College Life Thus Far

So, time for a much needed update. I figure while I'm averaging about one post a month that isn't a lot of updates....but its more than some people I've seen, and its certainly enough to keep wondering people updated...if there are any.

Anyway.

Its been a little over a month since I started college. There's been a few ups and downs, of course you can't escape those, but overall its so far been a great experience. I've met some amazing individuals (before and after school started) already, and am happy to consider them friends. Maybe we're not really close right now, but I hope in a lot of the cases I'll have a chance to grow closer as I get to know them and they get to know me more. Still if anything else they are people who share my basic beliefs and it doesn't feel so much like an outsider (being liberal and agnostic in Utah) anymore.

This isn't to say, however, that there hasn't been some drama. Its all passed now, but there were a couple weeks when I was having difficulties understanding why someone would get mad at me for not hanging out EVERY night because I had to sleep to get up early for work or school. Or I had to do my homework, or actually study. I was trying to wrap my head around this idea with difficulty. So wait...its a bad thing for me to be responsible? Lucky for me, I knew better. I knew I was making the right choices, probably from the experience of all the mistakes I've made up till now that I've thankfully learned from. So I made it clear, that I didn't appreciate being harassed about it. Okay, that seemed to work. For a day. Then it started again and my best friend stepped in. Things blew up, to put it simply and within a day I had cut myself off from him...and mutual friends.

Thankfully, a week or so later those mutual friends realized the 'true colors' of the other individual. And while I haven't exactly hung out with them again since (I would like too), I feel comfortable talking to them and seeing them again.

I have joined clubs such as the Gay Straight Alliance and the Dixie State College Democrats. As well I volunteer where I can, when my schedule allows it.

As far as my classes go. Thus far, I'm still excited and happy that I'm in school. I especially enjoy my History and Humanities class(es, I got an A on my first test which really does nothing but good things for your thoughts about college and keep going. English, the class itself is enjoyable and my Professor is awesome, I just don 't like the actual writing of essays too much. But it gets done nonetheless. My The Freshman Experience (FYE --- whenever my prof. hands out the roll call sheet we write our names on it says FYE and I always think of the STORE)...seems pretty pointless thus far. Oh well, at least its an easy A.

Now, dating life...has been sort of kind of non existent. Until today, I guess. I went on a date with a guy today, he's pretty cool. Of course it was a little awkward and I didn't have much to compare it too all my relationships having started out online (Which there is nothing wrong with as long as you're careful)...so I'm hoping that he'll want to go on a second date. It seemed to go well at least.

I want to go to Homecoming :( But I don't have a dress.

A Passion

Two blogs in one day!? How did this happen!? A bunch of random thoughts that I need to figure out how to organize is how it happened....And to think this was all spurned on by one little text from a friend who said he hated people. Oh its amusing how things go somedays. It makes me ask a question, one I know the answer to but I will ask it here nonetheless for the readers sake.

What is my passion?

I have a lot of interests, I lot of things I enjoy doing. Reading, writing, art whether its with a pencil and paper or through a digital element like photoshop, comics....I could go on on that for probably a few more sentences. They ebb and they flow,a t any given point in time I'll be more 'invested' if one of interests than others. But all in all,they get their equal footing in the spectrum that is my interests as a whole.

But those aren't my passions, not the most important ones, at least.

I'm relatively quiet and reserved at first, thats how I seem when people first get to know me...and I am, I admit that. I probably get that from my mom...."The seething cauldron of emotion under that placid exterior" (Love you Mor!) Even so looking back on the years of my life I can see,myself, that I"ve come a long way. I may not be fully out of my 'shy girl' bubble, but I've certainly gotten somewhere. I'm a lot more comfortable around people, I can strike up a conversation with a stranger easily so long as theres something to strike up a conversation about.... But get to know me. Depending on the individual it may take me awhile to get so comfortable to the point I'm inhibited around you...but I have passions that I'm just coming to realize.

I have a passion for people.

And there are a lot of ways people can act on a passion like that I suppose. I'm not going into psychology, how the mind works,helping kids and people have disorders (kudos to those who do!) . Psychology is a bit too complicated for me. I'll show it and act on it in other ways. I'll fight for equal rights, for everybody. Be you black, white, latino, straight, gay, bi, transgender, christian, atheist, muslim....anything. A friend of mine once said there was only one way to fight that mattered (Going to war), I disagree but he has the right to say that, and I have the right to disagree. I certainly admire those brave enough to go off and fight, I imagine it takes a certain kind of courage, putting your life on the line like that. Especially when you don't know that the war is even right (Iraq, anyone?).

I certainly don't think it is the only "right" way to fight though. People have to stay home in America, and fight...for the civil rights and liberties of those who need it. Those who deserve equal rights, throughout the centuries it has been many different minorities who deserved it. But as one minority achieves it, another is around the corner needing it. As sad as it is, its probably something we won't be free of till long down the line, if at all. Americans do great things, but on the other side of the coin we've done some pretty horrible things (Slavery?) and for the supposed "Greatest nation" We have a long ways to go when it comes to the rights of our citizens.

So yes, going to join the army, marines, the navy...thats one, admirable, way to fight. But there are others that are just as needed. And dare I say, just as dangerous. There have been numerous people in our history who have ended up dead because they fought for equal rights and / or peace....John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr, John Lennon....just to name a few.

...

I've heard it said time and time again "If you get the opportunity you ought to...," "If you get the opportunity you should...," And while yes, some oppurtunites will present themselves with pure chance and dumb luck (Like 60 settlers left alive in Jamestown, managing to get everything going again...Yeah, too much history ^ ^ ), more often than not you got to create the oppurtunites for yourself. Work up the ladder, make a difference...

And its late...and I don't even know how to wrap this up again. So I sincerely hope you all understood this, at least a little. And with that I say...Adieu!

School, Goals, and a bunch of randomness

Been awhile since I updated....so I guess while I sit here at the computer lab I'll do a bit of 'free write' to get my brain working so I can try and write my essay... What does one right about spanking...really? I'm trying to figure out how to start and I'm just...Stuck. Anyway, moving on.

Yesterday was an interesting enough day, I went to work on 3 hours of sleep and most of the day was pure hell trying to stay awake. Around the last two hours of my shift I began to wake up though....you know that feeling when you're not tired because you're so tired? Yeah, that was kind of the rest of the day. Which was just fine, I guess, considering I had reading to do before I could sleep. And of course, I didn't actually fall asleep till like 10:30 being oh so good at managing to distract myself even after all my reading was complete.

But I finally slept. Yay.

Maybe its that its been so long since I've been in school that its taking me longer to get in the "Ugh, school." mindset. I'm certainly not ecstatic at the prospect of homework, but all in all I enjoy going to class and am enjoying the experience thus far. I"m here, finally, so might as well make the best of it huh?

So I've been thinking a little more about my my goals, 'long term' in the term of just a few 4-5 years, maybe a little longer depending, down the road. I'm going for a Bachelors in History, maybe with a minor in Political Science, and once thats done (though I'll start the application process in a couple years or so) I plan on joining the Peace Corps. Looking into it, its really something I want to do with my life. I can't see a bad side to it at all. You're getting the chance to see another part of the world, and live there for two years will really give you the chance to understand the culture and more, help people, and they even help with your school loans.

I'm determined. I'm going to make this happen.

Single and Happy

Single and Happy.

Those are two words, that in our society, we don't think belong together. everyone expects everyone to be with someone. Seeing people in relationships, breaking up just to hop right back into another one, is such a part of our society that when you tell someone "I'm single" they say "Oh I'm sorry." Or they give you a look of pity. Or something on those lines. Just confuse them more and say "I'm single, and I'm happy."

Its a rare person who can say that though. And everyone who does, deserves to be recgonized a strong individual for being able to. That doesn't mean, though, that it isn't a struggle some days. I'm single, I have great friends, a job, I'm going to schoo. I'm figuring myself out, what I want in my life,and I'm happy. But that doesn't mean that it isn't nice to have someone around in that sense, that you don't want someone to hit on you or ask you out just so you know you're desirable by the opposite (or same, for that matter) sex.

And when it doesn't happen, your mind can't help but anaylyze why. Is it because I'm a strong, independent, intelligent woman? Is it because I don't have the perfect body with the perfect curves (or lack thereof, to those who love the sticks) and big boobs? Why is it that some of us seem to be the type that everyone wants as a friend but not as a potentioal partner?

Just something you can't help but think about it. I wonder about it more than I should, probably. But I am single,and I am happy.

Why, When, How

Well....so much for happy.

I got back in contact with a friend I hadn't spoken to in three years, and its really really great being able to talk to them. Smile and laugh with them again. Hear their thoughts. Share mine. It made me happy. But even when your happy I guess everyone has their bad days....today suddenly spiraled down just from one little comment...one little commenet. Its not mine to have, it never will be. So why do I get this way? Why am I insecure? Why do I feel like every time I get happy something comes along to tear it down.

I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way. But I really hate it.

I hate pretending to be strong when I can't. I hate locking it all away cuz you're worried of what they'll think. That you'll seem jealous, and insecure when you have no right to be at all. Just for one moment you feel special, then that moments gone as if it was never there at all.

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me,w hy doesn't anyone notice. Am I broken? Damaged goods? All I want....is for someone to think of me and special. Look at me, and smile and say "Yeah, thats her."

I love you, whoever you are. Hurry up and get here.

To people in my life

Well, I'm sitting here at my parents house watching Beauty and the Beast (HHS production) and eating lunch with my sister. I haven't written anything in awhile and I've been thinking a lot, so I figured now is as good time as any. So sitting here with my green chili burritors, here goes.

I guess, I kind of want to address a few people in here.

Scott. My ex.

It's been about a month, maybe a little more, since the break up and things are finally starting to look up again. I haven't had the urge to cry in days, heh. After the break up there were comments made, from both of us, made not directed precisely at each other but obviously about each other. Yeah they hurt, and I probably hurt him more with my comments too. But now it seem's we're finally able to be friendly with each other again, or at least we're trying. Those comments were made on both our sides not out of actual hate I don't think. But it was a hurtful, emotional experience and people lash out when they're hurting.

So, Scott, again I have to say I'm sorry. Not to bring things back up but i feel this is needed; I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to say thank you. For everything in the past couple of years, and I hope we can continue to make good memories together as friends.

Solveig. My "baby" sister.

You're in sweden right now, much to your family's not so hidden jealousy ;) , but I thought you would like to know that we have a "pet" hummingbird up here in Apple valley. I don't know if Mor or Far have told you about it yet, but here's the basics. There has been a hummingbird hanging around the back door for awhile and Mor finally found the nest so symmetrically perfect in the middle of the sea shell wind chimes. We found yesterday, it's got two eggs. :) Can you say "AWWWW BABY HUMMINGBIRDS!"

You're not so much a baby anymore....even though you are the youngest, it does seem a little backwards I suppose that I admire you and you are a person I and many others can look up to. While I crashed and burned at my first attempt at College and I'm only going back this fall you already have an associates and have experienced so many things.

Congratulations! You're amazing!

I miss you and I AM stealing you away for a day when you get back home. :) We'll have a day just you and me.

Lisa.

Being back home must be great, I can't even imagine I've never been out of the United States, haha. I hope to some day though, whether its Sweden or some other country. I slept in your old room last night and thought of you. We miss you. :)

...I guess thats all for now. I'll call this "Part 1" since I'm sure more will come later :)

Everything

Well...I haven't written in awhile, and I feel like there's so many things weighing down on my mind that some days I'm about to explode. So this is probably going to get pretty long, so that being said, I apologize....and Into the depths we go.

A couple days ago, for a few days I was really irritated. At everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I wanted to punch every customer in the face at work. Even the 'nice' ones, and especially the ones who go "uh...um,, I want...no...um." Seriously., If you're going to come to the drive thru know what you want. I don't have time to listen to "Ums" and "Ahs". I guess I've been procrastinating writing in this blog, ever since the break up. For a lot of reasons I guess. I worry who will read it, what assumptions will be made, how I'll be judged. But even then, I wonder if anyone will read it at all. Is there no one left here who gives a damn? But they do say writing is therapy, so I guess its all I can do.

Why was I so irritated? Well, there were the customers of course... as I already mentioned ^ above. There's also our new store manager. Robert. OCD Robert. Annoying, stressful Robert. Robert who yells at you to "Work" even if you are working and talking to a co worker at the same time. He used to be a shift manager at the other McDonalds my best friend works at. Now he manages our store, and needless to say he's made work a hell of a lot more stressful. My muscle spasms have started up again, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with him.

Thanks a lot.

Another reason, would probably be my ex. I'm trying to be polite, and civil though it may feel forced at times. But at least I'm not the one throwing out insults about his preceived reasons why the break up happened...in conversations where it doesn't even belong. As a friend said, apparently he's forgotten how to be an adult? I don't know, but it was rude, rash and unneccesary. And his behavior to me has just been ridcolous. At least TRY to act like an adult....

Of course, all these are valid reasons to be stressed out and irritated....but then GASP that time of month for all females started and well...PMS....that explained a few things.

Well....neext. I was suppoused to be going on a trip to LA tomorrow, for a couple days, after the fam dropped Lisa and Solveig off at the airport so they could go to Sweden (JEALOUS! Also, I am going to miss her INSANELY). Get a voicemail on my phone today that lets me know my dad injured his back and the trip his cancelled. *Sad face* Of course, I'm worried about my dad. But I'm dissapointed as well. It feels very rare that I ever get to go anywhere, behold an actual vacation even if it is two days. And I was so excited to see the beach and the ocean.... *Sadder face*

I had a dream last night.....have you ever had those dreams not long after a break up where yoru with said person and your just so happy? Are you ever scared or disgusted of those dreams? Well....I had one last night....but I wasn't sad or disgusted. I'm not in that phase yet, doubt I ever will be, as Scott is still someone I care for even if he is being an asshole. And I know, without a doubt, that I did love him. Deeply. So when I woke up,and when it hit me that it was a dream...

I wanted to cry.

In my dream, I felt so complete, and so happy....but I know that can't be. At least, not now. Still, when you give up something that was that great you do feel like a horrible bitch. I've been trying to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, but some days....I still feel like there's a part of me missing.