Well....so much for happy.
I got back in contact with a friend I hadn't spoken to in three years, and its really really great being able to talk to them. Smile and laugh with them again. Hear their thoughts. Share mine. It made me happy. But even when your happy I guess everyone has their bad days....today suddenly spiraled down just from one little comment...one little commenet. Its not mine to have, it never will be. So why do I get this way? Why am I insecure? Why do I feel like every time I get happy something comes along to tear it down.
I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way. But I really hate it.
I hate pretending to be strong when I can't. I hate locking it all away cuz you're worried of what they'll think. That you'll seem jealous, and insecure when you have no right to be at all. Just for one moment you feel special, then that moments gone as if it was never there at all.
Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me,w hy doesn't anyone notice. Am I broken? Damaged goods? All I want....is for someone to think of me and special. Look at me, and smile and say "Yeah, thats her."
I love you, whoever you are. Hurry up and get here.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
To people in my life
Well, I'm sitting here at my parents house watching Beauty and the Beast (HHS production) and eating lunch with my sister. I haven't written anything in awhile and I've been thinking a lot, so I figured now is as good time as any. So sitting here with my green chili burritors, here goes.
I guess, I kind of want to address a few people in here.
Scott. My ex.
It's been about a month, maybe a little more, since the break up and things are finally starting to look up again. I haven't had the urge to cry in days, heh. After the break up there were comments made, from both of us, made not directed precisely at each other but obviously about each other. Yeah they hurt, and I probably hurt him more with my comments too. But now it seem's we're finally able to be friendly with each other again, or at least we're trying. Those comments were made on both our sides not out of actual hate I don't think. But it was a hurtful, emotional experience and people lash out when they're hurting.
So, Scott, again I have to say I'm sorry. Not to bring things back up but i feel this is needed; I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to say thank you. For everything in the past couple of years, and I hope we can continue to make good memories together as friends.
Solveig. My "baby" sister.
You're in sweden right now, much to your family's not so hidden jealousy ;) , but I thought you would like to know that we have a "pet" hummingbird up here in Apple valley. I don't know if Mor or Far have told you about it yet, but here's the basics. There has been a hummingbird hanging around the back door for awhile and Mor finally found the nest so symmetrically perfect in the middle of the sea shell wind chimes. We found yesterday, it's got two eggs. :) Can you say "AWWWW BABY HUMMINGBIRDS!"
You're not so much a baby anymore....even though you are the youngest, it does seem a little backwards I suppose that I admire you and you are a person I and many others can look up to. While I crashed and burned at my first attempt at College and I'm only going back this fall you already have an associates and have experienced so many things.
Congratulations! You're amazing!
I miss you and I AM stealing you away for a day when you get back home. :) We'll have a day just you and me.
Lisa.
Being back home must be great, I can't even imagine I've never been out of the United States, haha. I hope to some day though, whether its Sweden or some other country. I slept in your old room last night and thought of you. We miss you. :)
...I guess thats all for now. I'll call this "Part 1" since I'm sure more will come later :)
I guess, I kind of want to address a few people in here.
Scott. My ex.
It's been about a month, maybe a little more, since the break up and things are finally starting to look up again. I haven't had the urge to cry in days, heh. After the break up there were comments made, from both of us, made not directed precisely at each other but obviously about each other. Yeah they hurt, and I probably hurt him more with my comments too. But now it seem's we're finally able to be friendly with each other again, or at least we're trying. Those comments were made on both our sides not out of actual hate I don't think. But it was a hurtful, emotional experience and people lash out when they're hurting.
So, Scott, again I have to say I'm sorry. Not to bring things back up but i feel this is needed; I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to say thank you. For everything in the past couple of years, and I hope we can continue to make good memories together as friends.
Solveig. My "baby" sister.
You're in sweden right now, much to your family's not so hidden jealousy ;) , but I thought you would like to know that we have a "pet" hummingbird up here in Apple valley. I don't know if Mor or Far have told you about it yet, but here's the basics. There has been a hummingbird hanging around the back door for awhile and Mor finally found the nest so symmetrically perfect in the middle of the sea shell wind chimes. We found yesterday, it's got two eggs. :) Can you say "AWWWW BABY HUMMINGBIRDS!"
You're not so much a baby anymore....even though you are the youngest, it does seem a little backwards I suppose that I admire you and you are a person I and many others can look up to. While I crashed and burned at my first attempt at College and I'm only going back this fall you already have an associates and have experienced so many things.
Congratulations! You're amazing!
I miss you and I AM stealing you away for a day when you get back home. :) We'll have a day just you and me.
Lisa.
Being back home must be great, I can't even imagine I've never been out of the United States, haha. I hope to some day though, whether its Sweden or some other country. I slept in your old room last night and thought of you. We miss you. :)
...I guess thats all for now. I'll call this "Part 1" since I'm sure more will come later :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Everything
Well...I haven't written in awhile, and I feel like there's so many things weighing down on my mind that some days I'm about to explode. So this is probably going to get pretty long, so that being said, I apologize....and Into the depths we go.
A couple days ago, for a few days I was really irritated. At everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I wanted to punch every customer in the face at work. Even the 'nice' ones, and especially the ones who go "uh...um,, I want...no...um." Seriously., If you're going to come to the drive thru know what you want. I don't have time to listen to "Ums" and "Ahs". I guess I've been procrastinating writing in this blog, ever since the break up. For a lot of reasons I guess. I worry who will read it, what assumptions will be made, how I'll be judged. But even then, I wonder if anyone will read it at all. Is there no one left here who gives a damn? But they do say writing is therapy, so I guess its all I can do.
Why was I so irritated? Well, there were the customers of course... as I already mentioned ^ above. There's also our new store manager. Robert. OCD Robert. Annoying, stressful Robert. Robert who yells at you to "Work" even if you are working and talking to a co worker at the same time. He used to be a shift manager at the other McDonalds my best friend works at. Now he manages our store, and needless to say he's made work a hell of a lot more stressful. My muscle spasms have started up again, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with him.
Thanks a lot.
Another reason, would probably be my ex. I'm trying to be polite, and civil though it may feel forced at times. But at least I'm not the one throwing out insults about his preceived reasons why the break up happened...in conversations where it doesn't even belong. As a friend said, apparently he's forgotten how to be an adult? I don't know, but it was rude, rash and unneccesary. And his behavior to me has just been ridcolous. At least TRY to act like an adult....
Of course, all these are valid reasons to be stressed out and irritated....but then GASP that time of month for all females started and well...PMS....that explained a few things.
Well....neext. I was suppoused to be going on a trip to LA tomorrow, for a couple days, after the fam dropped Lisa and Solveig off at the airport so they could go to Sweden (JEALOUS! Also, I am going to miss her INSANELY). Get a voicemail on my phone today that lets me know my dad injured his back and the trip his cancelled. *Sad face* Of course, I'm worried about my dad. But I'm dissapointed as well. It feels very rare that I ever get to go anywhere, behold an actual vacation even if it is two days. And I was so excited to see the beach and the ocean.... *Sadder face*
I had a dream last night.....have you ever had those dreams not long after a break up where yoru with said person and your just so happy? Are you ever scared or disgusted of those dreams? Well....I had one last night....but I wasn't sad or disgusted. I'm not in that phase yet, doubt I ever will be, as Scott is still someone I care for even if he is being an asshole. And I know, without a doubt, that I did love him. Deeply. So when I woke up,and when it hit me that it was a dream...
I wanted to cry.
In my dream, I felt so complete, and so happy....but I know that can't be. At least, not now. Still, when you give up something that was that great you do feel like a horrible bitch. I've been trying to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, but some days....I still feel like there's a part of me missing.
A couple days ago, for a few days I was really irritated. At everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I wanted to punch every customer in the face at work. Even the 'nice' ones, and especially the ones who go "uh...um,, I want...no...um." Seriously., If you're going to come to the drive thru know what you want. I don't have time to listen to "Ums" and "Ahs". I guess I've been procrastinating writing in this blog, ever since the break up. For a lot of reasons I guess. I worry who will read it, what assumptions will be made, how I'll be judged. But even then, I wonder if anyone will read it at all. Is there no one left here who gives a damn? But they do say writing is therapy, so I guess its all I can do.
Why was I so irritated? Well, there were the customers of course... as I already mentioned ^ above. There's also our new store manager. Robert. OCD Robert. Annoying, stressful Robert. Robert who yells at you to "Work" even if you are working and talking to a co worker at the same time. He used to be a shift manager at the other McDonalds my best friend works at. Now he manages our store, and needless to say he's made work a hell of a lot more stressful. My muscle spasms have started up again, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with him.
Thanks a lot.
Another reason, would probably be my ex. I'm trying to be polite, and civil though it may feel forced at times. But at least I'm not the one throwing out insults about his preceived reasons why the break up happened...in conversations where it doesn't even belong. As a friend said, apparently he's forgotten how to be an adult? I don't know, but it was rude, rash and unneccesary. And his behavior to me has just been ridcolous. At least TRY to act like an adult....
Of course, all these are valid reasons to be stressed out and irritated....but then GASP that time of month for all females started and well...PMS....that explained a few things.
Well....neext. I was suppoused to be going on a trip to LA tomorrow, for a couple days, after the fam dropped Lisa and Solveig off at the airport so they could go to Sweden (JEALOUS! Also, I am going to miss her INSANELY). Get a voicemail on my phone today that lets me know my dad injured his back and the trip his cancelled. *Sad face* Of course, I'm worried about my dad. But I'm dissapointed as well. It feels very rare that I ever get to go anywhere, behold an actual vacation even if it is two days. And I was so excited to see the beach and the ocean.... *Sadder face*
I had a dream last night.....have you ever had those dreams not long after a break up where yoru with said person and your just so happy? Are you ever scared or disgusted of those dreams? Well....I had one last night....but I wasn't sad or disgusted. I'm not in that phase yet, doubt I ever will be, as Scott is still someone I care for even if he is being an asshole. And I know, without a doubt, that I did love him. Deeply. So when I woke up,and when it hit me that it was a dream...
I wanted to cry.
In my dream, I felt so complete, and so happy....but I know that can't be. At least, not now. Still, when you give up something that was that great you do feel like a horrible bitch. I've been trying to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, but some days....I still feel like there's a part of me missing.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I guess This is it
I'm really not in the mood to, but I guess....I'll post what I can on the happenings of the past few days, week or so. But it all came out to this basically.
I'm single. Scott and I broke up. Yeah, it was my call. You can say I'm a bitch, I'm evil, I don't deserve love or whatever you want to spout. And right now, I feel exactly that way. I hurt myself and someone close to me, whom I didn't want to give up. But after days of thinking about things, talking to people, I came to the realization that our relationship wasn't going to work right now. He told me it looked as if I was trying to change him....I guess thats partially true, if you mean I wanted him back to who he was before all this drama.
I guess I don't expect him to understand all my reasons and feelings on this right now, I just hope he knows that I do care for him and I'm still here whenever he wants to be friends again. Because I think I'd cry even harder if we didn't at least try to keep that somewhere down the line. But my mom and my best friend helped me realize that I need to consider myself first. Is he making me happy right now? Why not? Etcetera, etcetera.
It sounds selfish, but I guess that's just kind of how things go. I hope my life can stay relatively the same though. I think I've dried up all my tears....for now. Granted I'll probably look back and start crying again later.
I'm single. Scott and I broke up. Yeah, it was my call. You can say I'm a bitch, I'm evil, I don't deserve love or whatever you want to spout. And right now, I feel exactly that way. I hurt myself and someone close to me, whom I didn't want to give up. But after days of thinking about things, talking to people, I came to the realization that our relationship wasn't going to work right now. He told me it looked as if I was trying to change him....I guess thats partially true, if you mean I wanted him back to who he was before all this drama.
I guess I don't expect him to understand all my reasons and feelings on this right now, I just hope he knows that I do care for him and I'm still here whenever he wants to be friends again. Because I think I'd cry even harder if we didn't at least try to keep that somewhere down the line. But my mom and my best friend helped me realize that I need to consider myself first. Is he making me happy right now? Why not? Etcetera, etcetera.
It sounds selfish, but I guess that's just kind of how things go. I hope my life can stay relatively the same though. I think I've dried up all my tears....for now. Granted I'll probably look back and start crying again later.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Just a bit of randomness before bed
Haven't posted in a bit so just posting a bit of randomness before I fall into bed for day 7 of work in a row, then I get my wisdom teeth out on Friday....Whee....It's at the Free Doctor's Clinic so I really hope they have decent stuff to at least numb my mouth if they won't knock me out. Cuz if not, I am running out of there with my tail between my legs screaming "NO! NO! NO!"
I went to one of Sister's graduation ceremonies out of the three she has this month. This was for the Night of Excellence. So proud of her, wish I had worked that hard when I was her age but at least I feel like I'm finally getting my life back on track. It's a good feeling, and I know I'm not going to give up this time for as my dad said "I've been around the block" a few times. though on a note of her graduation, you think after Three years they'd know how to pronounce her name. Its not that hard...seriously, Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Maybe that's just cuz I've been saying it all my life *shrugs* Either way, it's been three years....You would think.
In other news, First Ever St. George Coffee Party This May 21st! WOOO! For more info visit my Facebook.
May is such a hectic month. Anyway, thats all for now. Just random tidbits. Good night world!
I went to one of Sister's graduation ceremonies out of the three she has this month. This was for the Night of Excellence. So proud of her, wish I had worked that hard when I was her age but at least I feel like I'm finally getting my life back on track. It's a good feeling, and I know I'm not going to give up this time for as my dad said "I've been around the block" a few times. though on a note of her graduation, you think after Three years they'd know how to pronounce her name. Its not that hard...seriously, Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Maybe that's just cuz I've been saying it all my life *shrugs* Either way, it's been three years....You would think.
In other news, First Ever St. George Coffee Party This May 21st! WOOO! For more info visit my Facebook.
May is such a hectic month. Anyway, thats all for now. Just random tidbits. Good night world!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I Saw This On Facebook 2.0
Another disgusting group I saw on Facebook today.
This is sick. This is wrong. This is NOT Patriotic, in no way is the Government supporting this. This is racist, and a lot of these "terrorists" are probably US Citizens. Just because someone is Muslim, has different views than your own and are strange or 'evil' in your eyes does not make them terrorists.
There have always been hate crimes, unfortunately, but they say a rapid growth after the events of 9/11. Don't believe me?
Source #1
Source #2
Source #3
Source #4
1,500 Hate crimes to Muslims, Islamics, etc after 9/11! Fifteen hundred! How do we think this is right? Is America really so ignorant to go out and kill innoceent people just because a small group of people made Terrorist attacks on our country? It was a tragedy, but that does not mean we pinpoint everyone for the fault of it.
I for one,will not be taking part of this and hope no one does. If you want to stop terrorism, there are better, more productive ways than walking naked around your neighborhood and hoping someone will KILL THEMSELVES.
This is sick. This is wrong. This is NOT Patriotic, in no way is the Government supporting this. This is racist, and a lot of these "terrorists" are probably US Citizens. Just because someone is Muslim, has different views than your own and are strange or 'evil' in your eyes does not make them terrorists.
There have always been hate crimes, unfortunately, but they say a rapid growth after the events of 9/11. Don't believe me?
Source #1
Source #2
Source #3
Source #4
1,500 Hate crimes to Muslims, Islamics, etc after 9/11! Fifteen hundred! How do we think this is right? Is America really so ignorant to go out and kill innoceent people just because a small group of people made Terrorist attacks on our country? It was a tragedy, but that does not mean we pinpoint everyone for the fault of it.
I for one,will not be taking part of this and hope no one does. If you want to stop terrorism, there are better, more productive ways than walking naked around your neighborhood and hoping someone will KILL THEMSELVES.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I Saw this on Facebook today
So I was on Facebook today, usually what day am I not, and saw this group:
"" DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN."
Honestly, I thought it was sick, over the top, and wrong. I've seen people join groups such as "Impeach Obama" (Uh guys, he's done nothing worth impeachment. Look it up first) "10,000 against Obama's Health care Reform" Etcetera. And while I may not agree with those views and some of the extremes and extremists I've seen I can still respect that.
But this, this while not quite as bad as the guy on Twitter who was calling for someone to shoot our president of the united states, is just ridiculous. now, I myself have never read the bible. But that doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it, and I know there is a part of it that says "Love Thy Enemy." I'm pretty sure that means don't kill them, and don't wish death on them so that someone might take it seriously and goes and kills them. Thats called murder. Assassination. Its wrong, and it will land you in jail.
/end rant
"" DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN."
Honestly, I thought it was sick, over the top, and wrong. I've seen people join groups such as "Impeach Obama" (Uh guys, he's done nothing worth impeachment. Look it up first) "10,000 against Obama's Health care Reform" Etcetera. And while I may not agree with those views and some of the extremes and extremists I've seen I can still respect that.
But this, this while not quite as bad as the guy on Twitter who was calling for someone to shoot our president of the united states, is just ridiculous. now, I myself have never read the bible. But that doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it, and I know there is a part of it that says "Love Thy Enemy." I'm pretty sure that means don't kill them, and don't wish death on them so that someone might take it seriously and goes and kills them. Thats called murder. Assassination. Its wrong, and it will land you in jail.
/end rant
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Saturday, July 31, 2010
Why, When, How
Well....so much for happy.
I got back in contact with a friend I hadn't spoken to in three years, and its really really great being able to talk to them. Smile and laugh with them again. Hear their thoughts. Share mine. It made me happy. But even when your happy I guess everyone has their bad days....today suddenly spiraled down just from one little comment...one little commenet. Its not mine to have, it never will be. So why do I get this way? Why am I insecure? Why do I feel like every time I get happy something comes along to tear it down.
I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way. But I really hate it.
I hate pretending to be strong when I can't. I hate locking it all away cuz you're worried of what they'll think. That you'll seem jealous, and insecure when you have no right to be at all. Just for one moment you feel special, then that moments gone as if it was never there at all.
Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me,w hy doesn't anyone notice. Am I broken? Damaged goods? All I want....is for someone to think of me and special. Look at me, and smile and say "Yeah, thats her."
I love you, whoever you are. Hurry up and get here.
I got back in contact with a friend I hadn't spoken to in three years, and its really really great being able to talk to them. Smile and laugh with them again. Hear their thoughts. Share mine. It made me happy. But even when your happy I guess everyone has their bad days....today suddenly spiraled down just from one little comment...one little commenet. Its not mine to have, it never will be. So why do I get this way? Why am I insecure? Why do I feel like every time I get happy something comes along to tear it down.
I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way. But I really hate it.
I hate pretending to be strong when I can't. I hate locking it all away cuz you're worried of what they'll think. That you'll seem jealous, and insecure when you have no right to be at all. Just for one moment you feel special, then that moments gone as if it was never there at all.
Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me,w hy doesn't anyone notice. Am I broken? Damaged goods? All I want....is for someone to think of me and special. Look at me, and smile and say "Yeah, thats her."
I love you, whoever you are. Hurry up and get here.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
To people in my life
Well, I'm sitting here at my parents house watching Beauty and the Beast (HHS production) and eating lunch with my sister. I haven't written anything in awhile and I've been thinking a lot, so I figured now is as good time as any. So sitting here with my green chili burritors, here goes.
I guess, I kind of want to address a few people in here.
Scott. My ex.
It's been about a month, maybe a little more, since the break up and things are finally starting to look up again. I haven't had the urge to cry in days, heh. After the break up there were comments made, from both of us, made not directed precisely at each other but obviously about each other. Yeah they hurt, and I probably hurt him more with my comments too. But now it seem's we're finally able to be friendly with each other again, or at least we're trying. Those comments were made on both our sides not out of actual hate I don't think. But it was a hurtful, emotional experience and people lash out when they're hurting.
So, Scott, again I have to say I'm sorry. Not to bring things back up but i feel this is needed; I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to say thank you. For everything in the past couple of years, and I hope we can continue to make good memories together as friends.
Solveig. My "baby" sister.
You're in sweden right now, much to your family's not so hidden jealousy ;) , but I thought you would like to know that we have a "pet" hummingbird up here in Apple valley. I don't know if Mor or Far have told you about it yet, but here's the basics. There has been a hummingbird hanging around the back door for awhile and Mor finally found the nest so symmetrically perfect in the middle of the sea shell wind chimes. We found yesterday, it's got two eggs. :) Can you say "AWWWW BABY HUMMINGBIRDS!"
You're not so much a baby anymore....even though you are the youngest, it does seem a little backwards I suppose that I admire you and you are a person I and many others can look up to. While I crashed and burned at my first attempt at College and I'm only going back this fall you already have an associates and have experienced so many things.
Congratulations! You're amazing!
I miss you and I AM stealing you away for a day when you get back home. :) We'll have a day just you and me.
Lisa.
Being back home must be great, I can't even imagine I've never been out of the United States, haha. I hope to some day though, whether its Sweden or some other country. I slept in your old room last night and thought of you. We miss you. :)
...I guess thats all for now. I'll call this "Part 1" since I'm sure more will come later :)
I guess, I kind of want to address a few people in here.
Scott. My ex.
It's been about a month, maybe a little more, since the break up and things are finally starting to look up again. I haven't had the urge to cry in days, heh. After the break up there were comments made, from both of us, made not directed precisely at each other but obviously about each other. Yeah they hurt, and I probably hurt him more with my comments too. But now it seem's we're finally able to be friendly with each other again, or at least we're trying. Those comments were made on both our sides not out of actual hate I don't think. But it was a hurtful, emotional experience and people lash out when they're hurting.
So, Scott, again I have to say I'm sorry. Not to bring things back up but i feel this is needed; I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to say thank you. For everything in the past couple of years, and I hope we can continue to make good memories together as friends.
Solveig. My "baby" sister.
You're in sweden right now, much to your family's not so hidden jealousy ;) , but I thought you would like to know that we have a "pet" hummingbird up here in Apple valley. I don't know if Mor or Far have told you about it yet, but here's the basics. There has been a hummingbird hanging around the back door for awhile and Mor finally found the nest so symmetrically perfect in the middle of the sea shell wind chimes. We found yesterday, it's got two eggs. :) Can you say "AWWWW BABY HUMMINGBIRDS!"
You're not so much a baby anymore....even though you are the youngest, it does seem a little backwards I suppose that I admire you and you are a person I and many others can look up to. While I crashed and burned at my first attempt at College and I'm only going back this fall you already have an associates and have experienced so many things.
Congratulations! You're amazing!
I miss you and I AM stealing you away for a day when you get back home. :) We'll have a day just you and me.
Lisa.
Being back home must be great, I can't even imagine I've never been out of the United States, haha. I hope to some day though, whether its Sweden or some other country. I slept in your old room last night and thought of you. We miss you. :)
...I guess thats all for now. I'll call this "Part 1" since I'm sure more will come later :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Everything
Well...I haven't written in awhile, and I feel like there's so many things weighing down on my mind that some days I'm about to explode. So this is probably going to get pretty long, so that being said, I apologize....and Into the depths we go.
A couple days ago, for a few days I was really irritated. At everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I wanted to punch every customer in the face at work. Even the 'nice' ones, and especially the ones who go "uh...um,, I want...no...um." Seriously., If you're going to come to the drive thru know what you want. I don't have time to listen to "Ums" and "Ahs". I guess I've been procrastinating writing in this blog, ever since the break up. For a lot of reasons I guess. I worry who will read it, what assumptions will be made, how I'll be judged. But even then, I wonder if anyone will read it at all. Is there no one left here who gives a damn? But they do say writing is therapy, so I guess its all I can do.
Why was I so irritated? Well, there were the customers of course... as I already mentioned ^ above. There's also our new store manager. Robert. OCD Robert. Annoying, stressful Robert. Robert who yells at you to "Work" even if you are working and talking to a co worker at the same time. He used to be a shift manager at the other McDonalds my best friend works at. Now he manages our store, and needless to say he's made work a hell of a lot more stressful. My muscle spasms have started up again, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with him.
Thanks a lot.
Another reason, would probably be my ex. I'm trying to be polite, and civil though it may feel forced at times. But at least I'm not the one throwing out insults about his preceived reasons why the break up happened...in conversations where it doesn't even belong. As a friend said, apparently he's forgotten how to be an adult? I don't know, but it was rude, rash and unneccesary. And his behavior to me has just been ridcolous. At least TRY to act like an adult....
Of course, all these are valid reasons to be stressed out and irritated....but then GASP that time of month for all females started and well...PMS....that explained a few things.
Well....neext. I was suppoused to be going on a trip to LA tomorrow, for a couple days, after the fam dropped Lisa and Solveig off at the airport so they could go to Sweden (JEALOUS! Also, I am going to miss her INSANELY). Get a voicemail on my phone today that lets me know my dad injured his back and the trip his cancelled. *Sad face* Of course, I'm worried about my dad. But I'm dissapointed as well. It feels very rare that I ever get to go anywhere, behold an actual vacation even if it is two days. And I was so excited to see the beach and the ocean.... *Sadder face*
I had a dream last night.....have you ever had those dreams not long after a break up where yoru with said person and your just so happy? Are you ever scared or disgusted of those dreams? Well....I had one last night....but I wasn't sad or disgusted. I'm not in that phase yet, doubt I ever will be, as Scott is still someone I care for even if he is being an asshole. And I know, without a doubt, that I did love him. Deeply. So when I woke up,and when it hit me that it was a dream...
I wanted to cry.
In my dream, I felt so complete, and so happy....but I know that can't be. At least, not now. Still, when you give up something that was that great you do feel like a horrible bitch. I've been trying to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, but some days....I still feel like there's a part of me missing.
A couple days ago, for a few days I was really irritated. At everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I wanted to punch every customer in the face at work. Even the 'nice' ones, and especially the ones who go "uh...um,, I want...no...um." Seriously., If you're going to come to the drive thru know what you want. I don't have time to listen to "Ums" and "Ahs". I guess I've been procrastinating writing in this blog, ever since the break up. For a lot of reasons I guess. I worry who will read it, what assumptions will be made, how I'll be judged. But even then, I wonder if anyone will read it at all. Is there no one left here who gives a damn? But they do say writing is therapy, so I guess its all I can do.
Why was I so irritated? Well, there were the customers of course... as I already mentioned ^ above. There's also our new store manager. Robert. OCD Robert. Annoying, stressful Robert. Robert who yells at you to "Work" even if you are working and talking to a co worker at the same time. He used to be a shift manager at the other McDonalds my best friend works at. Now he manages our store, and needless to say he's made work a hell of a lot more stressful. My muscle spasms have started up again, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with him.
Thanks a lot.
Another reason, would probably be my ex. I'm trying to be polite, and civil though it may feel forced at times. But at least I'm not the one throwing out insults about his preceived reasons why the break up happened...in conversations where it doesn't even belong. As a friend said, apparently he's forgotten how to be an adult? I don't know, but it was rude, rash and unneccesary. And his behavior to me has just been ridcolous. At least TRY to act like an adult....
Of course, all these are valid reasons to be stressed out and irritated....but then GASP that time of month for all females started and well...PMS....that explained a few things.
Well....neext. I was suppoused to be going on a trip to LA tomorrow, for a couple days, after the fam dropped Lisa and Solveig off at the airport so they could go to Sweden (JEALOUS! Also, I am going to miss her INSANELY). Get a voicemail on my phone today that lets me know my dad injured his back and the trip his cancelled. *Sad face* Of course, I'm worried about my dad. But I'm dissapointed as well. It feels very rare that I ever get to go anywhere, behold an actual vacation even if it is two days. And I was so excited to see the beach and the ocean.... *Sadder face*
I had a dream last night.....have you ever had those dreams not long after a break up where yoru with said person and your just so happy? Are you ever scared or disgusted of those dreams? Well....I had one last night....but I wasn't sad or disgusted. I'm not in that phase yet, doubt I ever will be, as Scott is still someone I care for even if he is being an asshole. And I know, without a doubt, that I did love him. Deeply. So when I woke up,and when it hit me that it was a dream...
I wanted to cry.
In my dream, I felt so complete, and so happy....but I know that can't be. At least, not now. Still, when you give up something that was that great you do feel like a horrible bitch. I've been trying to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, but some days....I still feel like there's a part of me missing.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I guess This is it
I'm really not in the mood to, but I guess....I'll post what I can on the happenings of the past few days, week or so. But it all came out to this basically.
I'm single. Scott and I broke up. Yeah, it was my call. You can say I'm a bitch, I'm evil, I don't deserve love or whatever you want to spout. And right now, I feel exactly that way. I hurt myself and someone close to me, whom I didn't want to give up. But after days of thinking about things, talking to people, I came to the realization that our relationship wasn't going to work right now. He told me it looked as if I was trying to change him....I guess thats partially true, if you mean I wanted him back to who he was before all this drama.
I guess I don't expect him to understand all my reasons and feelings on this right now, I just hope he knows that I do care for him and I'm still here whenever he wants to be friends again. Because I think I'd cry even harder if we didn't at least try to keep that somewhere down the line. But my mom and my best friend helped me realize that I need to consider myself first. Is he making me happy right now? Why not? Etcetera, etcetera.
It sounds selfish, but I guess that's just kind of how things go. I hope my life can stay relatively the same though. I think I've dried up all my tears....for now. Granted I'll probably look back and start crying again later.
I'm single. Scott and I broke up. Yeah, it was my call. You can say I'm a bitch, I'm evil, I don't deserve love or whatever you want to spout. And right now, I feel exactly that way. I hurt myself and someone close to me, whom I didn't want to give up. But after days of thinking about things, talking to people, I came to the realization that our relationship wasn't going to work right now. He told me it looked as if I was trying to change him....I guess thats partially true, if you mean I wanted him back to who he was before all this drama.
I guess I don't expect him to understand all my reasons and feelings on this right now, I just hope he knows that I do care for him and I'm still here whenever he wants to be friends again. Because I think I'd cry even harder if we didn't at least try to keep that somewhere down the line. But my mom and my best friend helped me realize that I need to consider myself first. Is he making me happy right now? Why not? Etcetera, etcetera.
It sounds selfish, but I guess that's just kind of how things go. I hope my life can stay relatively the same though. I think I've dried up all my tears....for now. Granted I'll probably look back and start crying again later.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Just a bit of randomness before bed
Haven't posted in a bit so just posting a bit of randomness before I fall into bed for day 7 of work in a row, then I get my wisdom teeth out on Friday....Whee....It's at the Free Doctor's Clinic so I really hope they have decent stuff to at least numb my mouth if they won't knock me out. Cuz if not, I am running out of there with my tail between my legs screaming "NO! NO! NO!"
I went to one of Sister's graduation ceremonies out of the three she has this month. This was for the Night of Excellence. So proud of her, wish I had worked that hard when I was her age but at least I feel like I'm finally getting my life back on track. It's a good feeling, and I know I'm not going to give up this time for as my dad said "I've been around the block" a few times. though on a note of her graduation, you think after Three years they'd know how to pronounce her name. Its not that hard...seriously, Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Maybe that's just cuz I've been saying it all my life *shrugs* Either way, it's been three years....You would think.
In other news, First Ever St. George Coffee Party This May 21st! WOOO! For more info visit my Facebook.
May is such a hectic month. Anyway, thats all for now. Just random tidbits. Good night world!
I went to one of Sister's graduation ceremonies out of the three she has this month. This was for the Night of Excellence. So proud of her, wish I had worked that hard when I was her age but at least I feel like I'm finally getting my life back on track. It's a good feeling, and I know I'm not going to give up this time for as my dad said "I've been around the block" a few times. though on a note of her graduation, you think after Three years they'd know how to pronounce her name. Its not that hard...seriously, Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Maybe that's just cuz I've been saying it all my life *shrugs* Either way, it's been three years....You would think.
In other news, First Ever St. George Coffee Party This May 21st! WOOO! For more info visit my Facebook.
May is such a hectic month. Anyway, thats all for now. Just random tidbits. Good night world!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I Saw This On Facebook 2.0
Another disgusting group I saw on Facebook today.
This is sick. This is wrong. This is NOT Patriotic, in no way is the Government supporting this. This is racist, and a lot of these "terrorists" are probably US Citizens. Just because someone is Muslim, has different views than your own and are strange or 'evil' in your eyes does not make them terrorists.
There have always been hate crimes, unfortunately, but they say a rapid growth after the events of 9/11. Don't believe me?
Source #1
Source #2
Source #3
Source #4
1,500 Hate crimes to Muslims, Islamics, etc after 9/11! Fifteen hundred! How do we think this is right? Is America really so ignorant to go out and kill innoceent people just because a small group of people made Terrorist attacks on our country? It was a tragedy, but that does not mean we pinpoint everyone for the fault of it.
I for one,will not be taking part of this and hope no one does. If you want to stop terrorism, there are better, more productive ways than walking naked around your neighborhood and hoping someone will KILL THEMSELVES.
This is sick. This is wrong. This is NOT Patriotic, in no way is the Government supporting this. This is racist, and a lot of these "terrorists" are probably US Citizens. Just because someone is Muslim, has different views than your own and are strange or 'evil' in your eyes does not make them terrorists.
There have always been hate crimes, unfortunately, but they say a rapid growth after the events of 9/11. Don't believe me?
Source #1
Source #2
Source #3
Source #4
1,500 Hate crimes to Muslims, Islamics, etc after 9/11! Fifteen hundred! How do we think this is right? Is America really so ignorant to go out and kill innoceent people just because a small group of people made Terrorist attacks on our country? It was a tragedy, but that does not mean we pinpoint everyone for the fault of it.
I for one,will not be taking part of this and hope no one does. If you want to stop terrorism, there are better, more productive ways than walking naked around your neighborhood and hoping someone will KILL THEMSELVES.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I Saw this on Facebook today
So I was on Facebook today, usually what day am I not, and saw this group:
"" DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN."
Honestly, I thought it was sick, over the top, and wrong. I've seen people join groups such as "Impeach Obama" (Uh guys, he's done nothing worth impeachment. Look it up first) "10,000 against Obama's Health care Reform" Etcetera. And while I may not agree with those views and some of the extremes and extremists I've seen I can still respect that.
But this, this while not quite as bad as the guy on Twitter who was calling for someone to shoot our president of the united states, is just ridiculous. now, I myself have never read the bible. But that doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it, and I know there is a part of it that says "Love Thy Enemy." I'm pretty sure that means don't kill them, and don't wish death on them so that someone might take it seriously and goes and kills them. Thats called murder. Assassination. Its wrong, and it will land you in jail.
/end rant
"" DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN."
Honestly, I thought it was sick, over the top, and wrong. I've seen people join groups such as "Impeach Obama" (Uh guys, he's done nothing worth impeachment. Look it up first) "10,000 against Obama's Health care Reform" Etcetera. And while I may not agree with those views and some of the extremes and extremists I've seen I can still respect that.
But this, this while not quite as bad as the guy on Twitter who was calling for someone to shoot our president of the united states, is just ridiculous. now, I myself have never read the bible. But that doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it, and I know there is a part of it that says "Love Thy Enemy." I'm pretty sure that means don't kill them, and don't wish death on them so that someone might take it seriously and goes and kills them. Thats called murder. Assassination. Its wrong, and it will land you in jail.
/end rant
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