Little By Little

Well Listening to the musical soundtrack, Little By Little, can really make you think. So that's where this blog gets started....

Lyrics:

Choices were easy when crayons were green
and red, blue and yellow and nothing between
turquoise and fusia and aquamarine
make it much harder to choose
Which of lifes colors to use



Isn't that the perfect analogy? When life was easy? When there were only a few colors in the crayon box....the basics, not all these different shades like red violet, turquoise, midnight blue....Need I go on?

I really do miss the days when choices were that easy. Its amazing now you look back at yourself. When you think you knew everything and your parents were just the evil people trying to stop you and they didn't know anything about you. I am amazed at myself looking back at that. I realize now how easy I had it, I wish I had worked harder. Got more A's and B's in High school rather than C's and D's, I think about it and I realize I'd probably be in a much better place because of it all right now. Because now, every day it feels like I'm swimming against the current and I wonder if it would feel any different how I had worked harder when I was younger.

This isn't to say I regret everything though, like meeting Scott, moving in with him, falling in love with him. I've just had so many uncertainty's lately it seems.

Do I spend time with Scott, who always seems so depressed though I know that isn't entirely his fault, sometimes I do wonder if it will ever change. I hate myself for that. Do I spend my time with my family who I've come to cherish so much more and bond with as I've grown older. I'm so afraid of having so little time left with them as my dad isn't getting an younger and my youngest sister is heading towarsd Sweden and College in a few short months. While I, 22, am barely beginning myself.

Again I ask myself....why didn't I work as hard as her? Of course, you never really see this stuff until you're older and more experienced and look back on it. Why didn't I listen to my parents? Well its too late now I guess, its all happened, I can only change my future....its just a little depressing to look back at that.

Am I abusing my relationship with Scott for wanting to spend so much time with my family in this hard times when he needsme most?

Then I'm afraid of giving things I love up, like my X men writing and other hobbies. While I'm growing up and becoming more serious, I still want these things to be part of my life and I wonder if I'll have time for everything ever again.