I miss

I miss having time with my sister, without her attention somewhere else...

I miss old friends, who may have stopped talking to me for numerous reasons...but none are good enough

I miss people I "grew up" with who I never see anymore, and who some never talk to me at all anymore...

I miss having someone that loves me for me..

I miss a lot of things...

If you don't like me..

Disclaimer: This is not directed at anyone in particular. It's just something I had to get out. I've encountered a few people who had been very rude and insulting to me, and thought I didnt know. But thats in the past, this is just something I'm going to put out there for putting out there. Hopefully it will help some people know me better. take of it what you will and please read.

I mentioned it to my dad not long ago that I've actually found it harder, not easier, to make genuine friends as I got older. At least, when it comes to people around my age. He responded, "Well, thats probably because you become less flexible. Flexibility is a good thing, but if you're too flexible you're like water. And you're more comfortable with yourself as a person, and you want some of those same things in friends."

So this is to anyone...

If you don't like me because I can be quiet, shy, and reserved before I'm completley comfortable around you...

If you don't like me because I have morals...

If you don't like me because I put school work before "hanging out"...

If you don't like me because I can have with out using obscenities...

If you don't like me because I can have fun that isn't at the expense of anyone elses self esteem...

If you don't like me because I don't have the perfect, thin, body...

If you don't like me because I'm not going to put up with you if you're not anything I deserve...

If you don't like me because I stand up for what I know whats right...

If you don't like me because I get good grades (mostly) ...

If you don't like me because I know what I want in life...

If you don't like me for any of the reasons, but not limited to, listed above I've got a newsflash for you. I. Don't. Care. Am I perfect, no? But I'm happy with myself. There's things about me I'm working to change, but if all you're going to do nothing but insult someone, I'm not going to stoop to those levels to make anyone happy. I'm mature enough to be polite, and friendly and honest even if someone is not my favorite person but I don't hate anyone.

So think of me what you will, but I'm not going to let it deter me.

:)

Its beginning to look a lot like...

Happy Holidays, the holiday season has officially started (tomorrow!)...okay maybe some people start considering it the Holiday Season once November starts the day after Halloween but it really kicks into effect on Thanksgiving. We have our dinner, then we turn on the Christmas music and set up the tree, and that's really w hen things get into full swing.

It has been cold though, and by cold I mean really cold. I thought my hands might fall off when I was biking to school yesterday, I really need to find my gloves. It didn't even hit 50 yesterday in St. George...which is really cold for St. George. And I walked into the Gardner center after printing off my essay, and there were Christmas decorations EVERYWHERE. Wasn't exactly expecting it, but okay.

I woke up this morning, at my parents house here in Apple Valley and its WHITE outside.... Pictures to come later, Happy Holidays everyone!

Some thanks

I was thinking (and while its not quite thanksgiving yet, these thoughts may have been spurred on by my research on Pilgrims today)... that no one says what they think of someone enough. No one says 'I love you', or says 'thank you' or 'I admire you', or 'I respect you' as much as they should. I'm certainly guilty of this charge, and so is everyone else. I think its important that we let people know, you never know how it could make someones day, cheer them up, or a multitude of other things.

So I want to give that to some people.

Alex Knapton. We've been friends for a long time (1st grade!), and while we lost contact there for awhile I'm proud to say we're still friends. We've both grown and changed, as has the friendship, but its still intact and that means a lot. Thank you so much for being there for me. I hope to see you again soon. :)

Bellenie Black. I haven't seen you in years, but every time I talk to you your quirky personality never fails to cheer me up. Thank you!

Cassie Orman, I'm so proud and happy to call you my best friend. You have literally been there for me through thick and thin and I probably don't express this as often as I should. I wish there were a better way to say it than just thank you. I know I can be kind of ridicoulous at times, so really thank you. I hope I've given the same to you.

Julise (Jager) Nelson. This is another of those cases where we've lost touch over the years. I dare say we aren't as close as we once were, and I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your wedding. But please know I have great memories with you, still considere you a friend,and want you to be happy.

Lizzi Sims, Ashlee Neilson, Jessica Butterfuild, Jenny Brown, Amanda Hansen and anyone else I'm missing... we've all grown and become different individuals, certainly...but I have a lot of fond memories with all of you. Thanks for making middle school, and the other times we spent together, great!

Crystal Beecher. I know I can be a bit erratic and disorganized at times (or maybe a lot? ^ ^) And that we have a lot of different views on things. But thank you, to you and Robert, for allowing me to live here and 'putting up' with me. Most of all, thank you for being a friend.

Dorothy Englman, Cyril Noble,Mark Setser, Jerry Howard and probably a lot of other people I'm forgetting.... You guys are awesome. I'm so glad I've gotten to know and work with you guys and consider a lot of you my friends. Most of all,thank you for giving me oppurtunites to work with you all and make a difference.

Bethany Coyle, Jason Benno, Logan Hunt, Sala and so many others who are younger than me but have figured out how to take a stand and fight for whats RIGHT already. That's especially difficult in Utah. I admire you guys for it, keep it up!

Solveig, my dear sister... I love you. That about says it all...but you're not just my sister, you're my best friend. you've always been there for me. Thank you.

Morgan, my other dear sister! You never fail to cheer me up! I LOVE how happy you always are, never stop! Love, love, love you!

Mom and Dad, I don't know how I can put this in as little words as possible and still be efficent in saying what you mean to me. Thank you for never really giving up on me. I realize I was a heard headed, stubborn, naive teenager and young adult for a long time and I must of caused you a lot of grief. I still have a lot of things to learn, but I love you both, so much. I don't know how to say it other than that,I don't know of a more efficent way... and I mean every word of it. Thank you, and I love you.

I'm probably missing a lot of people I didn't give specifics to, but if you're tagged it means you mean SOMETHING to me...so guys, I love you all.
'

Sayonara Daisuki Na Hito

For those wondering that means, "Goodbye my favorite person" or "Goodbye my love". Its Japanese, a them song of a Japanese Drama that I watched years ago and have now just hunted down again since I just remembered it. Its really a beautiful song.

Well,I need to write this before I forget again.I 'm really bad at this blogging every day thing. Not that many people read it, ah well.

Elections are finally over. DEEP BREATH...

I have more free time now, though it doesn't feel like that yet. The Replublicans took the house, Democrats kept the Senate at least. If the Repubs had taken both I think I would of gotten out of the country today had it been possible...Still, its upsetting.Night surprising, but upsetting that people are blaming the Democrats...and now the Republicans are saying the Democrats need to "Work with them"... It makes me want to scream. Trying to "work with them" and compromise, its what the democrats have been trying to do these past two years.

I really hope things look up by 2012 and we can get Obama reelected. My only happiness now is that neither O'Donnel (I'm not a witch, I'm you!) and Angle didn't get elected. Thank goodness.

What makes me the angry the most though, is those who complain and don't vote. Thouse who don't educate themselves on who their voting for...but one thing that really rubbed me the wrong way during election season is that no one was willing to do anything but vote. Apathy. Apathy is my pet peeve. This I have discovered.

Should you vote? Most definitely. Voting is a right, but I think people ought to look at it as a 'privilege' as well. not because it is, its not and nor should it literally ever be a privilege...but especially for us women.We've only had this right or 90 years. In reality, thats not very long. Not in comparison to so many things. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't take it or granted. Vote every election. It does matter.

What really gets me though is people who aren't willing to do much of anything. I see people who complain, and who will vote yes,but when push comes to shove thats all they do. Voting does a lot in the world of making a difference, but you can make even more by helping on the campaigns. I support rallies whole heartedly and I'm not trying to tear them down, I'm there at nearly every one...but rallies can only do so much too. You should fight for someone who WILL make a difference to get elected.

It just irritates to me (especially those who say they will help but when push comes to shove, don't)



School...school is what makes me thing I have no free time at all.

Life As I Know It

Well.... there's been quite a few things I've been meaning to write about. So this might get a little long winded. I'll try to fit as much in here as I can but there may be another blog later tonight as well. To try to give this some form of coherency I'll go from most recent to oldest...or at least I'll try. ^ ^

Got the results back from my second history test today... I got....*drum roll*... an A! Again! :D I'm so proud of myself. I haven't gotten anything lower than an A on anything in any of my classes yet. Though granted, we just get full points for turning in our first Draft of Essays in English 1010... And I'm a little worried about how I'll do on the essay due next week for History (Seriously, I'll take a test over an Essay any day of the week)...but its on the Emancipation Proclamation, and I enjoy history...so here's hoping I'll do better on it than some of my english papers. And maybe I'll have my dad take a look at it too. Because he's awesome that way.

I'm wearing my Health Care Reform OFA (Organizing For America) shirt today... and I went to English, and all that jazz...and this one girl who I normally get along with asked me if I supported Obama after noticing my T-shirt. I said "yes", rather matter of factly... and she just went on to prove to me how ignorant and uneducated people are.

She asked me "Why? He's done everything wrong for the country." And for a few minutes I kept trying to tell her "No, he hasn't." I quickly gave up trying to make her see logic, but she started going on to one of our other classmates about how bad health care was and all these bad, horrible, wrong, things Obama had done. She even said "Now thanks to the health care law you have to work a certain number of hours to get health care."

Erm...its always been that way. Most employers have always required you work full time to get full benefits. Just how it works.

She also mentioned that a Tea Party Candidate would be a better President than Obama...that was terrifying. And when said other classmate asked her what exactly the tea party was she described them as "Not democrat or republican, just in the middle." Hah. Riiight.

But here's where it gets REALLY good.... she went off on talking about how her and her Mom just spent $400 on CLOTHES and all her DESIGNER purses...she also as an IPhone and Regular cell phone with her every day. It was all I could do not to bang my head into the desk. Typical Right Winger.

So, last night we had an amazing thunder storm. I love the rain. Generally.

That is, when I don't get caught in it.

I have a late class on Wednesday nights and I got out, and called up my mom to ask her a couple questions. It wasn't raining then, but thunder and lightning. When we were about to hang up she said "Don't get soaked." And no sooner than I hung up the phone with her it started to downpour. She jinxied me! Also, please note that this was the ONE DAY I didn't bring my coat. I was wearing a short sleeved blouse and dress pants. I basically said "Oh no," when I realized how fast it was coming down and biked as fast as I could.

By the time I got up to Boulevard and Main I was DRENCHED. My shoes squished when they walked, when I was crossing the cross walk my shoe was almost submerged in water. It was crazy!

Well, so I had a few more blocks to go and I was drenched and shivering and soaked to the bone and all that...when a lady pulled over and handed me her Umbrella. She said it wouldn't help much since I was already drenched, but I probably said thank you about three times before I went on my way...now with an Umbrella. And it gets better . I went about another block and the same lady pulls up again. She tells me, "I'd give you a ride but I already have so much stuff in my car...but we found this." And she hands me a Parka. Again I say thank you about five times and express my gratitude. She just smiles, tells me I'm welcome and drives off.

When I got home about ten minutes later and kicked off my soaking shoes, I thought about how amazing that was. ALmost no one goes out of there way to do something so nice and selfless for people anymore. Its people like that, that makes me think humanity does have a chance.

It made my day, it warmed my heart. And I only wish I knew WHO she was so I could thank her again.

Whenever someone does something amazing for you like that, guys, Pay It Forward. It will seriously make the world a better place.

Cloudy Outside And I'm loving it

What the title says ^ ^

Its October! The month of it starting to finally cool off, though maybe not enough for bonfires. For s'mores! For hot chocolate! For pumpkin carving! For Halloween! You are never too old to dress up for Halloween...EVER! Its only once a year you get that chance don't let it pass ya by. ;)

Amazing day

A quick blog before bed...

I had a, to put it simply, pretty amazing day today. Yesterday was my first day volunteering at our local democratic headquarters to push the campaigns of local and state candidates. Today we had a bus come down from SLC to help us start phonebanking and canvasing (walking and knocking on doors).

I got to the office at 12, when I was scheduled to be there and finished most of our list for Cyril's campaign. I had someone come into the office to get yard signs. She told me she was a registered REPUBLICAN, but was so dissapointed with the party that she was voting Democrat. That was pretty amazing to hear. Theres a rare Repub who actually has some common sense it seems... and then Ari, Farah and others got back from canvasing. Introductions went around, we talked some...and I was asked to be one of the main coordinators for Peter Corroons campaign here in southern utah. I foresee things and what not, and get a letter of reference from Corroon if I want.

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

And it doesn't end there. Dorothy and I headed over to Bluff Street Park at 3 to meet up with more of our local people and the bus people and do more canvasing. Unfortunately only three of our local people showed up (me included)... now I know its fall break...but SERIOUSLY GUYS, if you say you're going to be somewhere have the decency to SHOW UP. Getting out the vote is CRITICAL and we need all the help we can get so do SOMETHING!

-.-

Anyway.

Sam Granato, who is running against Mike Lee for senate, showed up...and I actually got to WITH HIM on canvasing. It was kind of nerve racking at first, here I was with our possible future senator....but he's really an awesome guy. If you haven't had a chance to meet him yet, find it.

Anyway, getting tomorrows paper for sure. :D

Uncomfortable thoughts....Trying to figure it out.

Sitting here at the computer center at the DSC library trying to do research...but my thoughts keep going on back to the last few days....A lot of Saturday was good; marching in the parade with the GSA, and the get together / candle light vigil later that night in protest to Boyd K Packers speech. Despite all of that however, a lot of it unnecessarily stressful and caused some emotional distraught.

I live not with my family, about a mile and a half away from the college (That I walk to every day i have class)...and for the most part, the people I live with are pretty darn cool...But our political / religious beliefs greatly differ. This was no secret when I first moved in, it may have became more OBVIOUS later so, but I never hid it and there never seemed to be much of a problem with it.

I put signs up in my window, first for Claudia Wright and now for Corroon and Granato, to show my support and hopefully get more people to vote. I spent a lot of the time out of the house volunteering and going to meetings. I posted things on Facebook.... for the purpose of SHARING my opinions and beliefs with those who AGREED with me for the most part. It was, and never is, intended as an "attack" on someones beliefs as some people seem to think. Generally, unless I'm purposefully trying to debate someone, I stay away from debates on Facebook. I just share my beliefs, and what I as individual am trying to do to make the world just a little bit better. I go out of my way not to comment on peoples things that "oppose" my beliefs, its their page after all. They can post whatever they want.

Really, the only times I "retaliate" is when someone posts on my stuff disagreeing...which really isn't very often. Probably because a good majority of my 'friends list' are like minded.

Well this changed on Friday Night.

I had posted a tid bit of a debate between current Governor Herbert and Corroon debating that was supposed to air on Sunday Night (Speaking of I should track that down now that I reminded myself of it...) Anyway, in this tidbit they were asked about Packers hateful speech. Herbert, of course said that Gays weren't born that way and all the basic beliefs of the right. Whereas Corroon said he believes Gay's deserve equal rights and are yes, born that way.

Within a few short hours I had a comment on that....someone trying to blatantly deny that Gays are born that way and calling me a "Hate monger" because I "HATE" religion and what it teaches that all christian religions teach homosexuality as a sin... Or something.

Now let me make something clear.

I. Do. Not. Hate. Religion. Or any religiously affiliated person, for that matter. Religion has its place, like everything else. I may not be religiously affiliated as I identify myself as an Agnostic (I really don't know if there's a God or not, and if there is I don't think he really cares about someones sexual orientation), that doesn't mean I hate religion.

What I don't like, I'm going to avoid using the word 'hate' because its always going to hurt people somehow, is those religious leaders who so blindly preach rejection and inequality. Preaching to someone that they can 'change' when in fact the individual knows that they cannot. Some people will say, well sure they can to that anyway. Really, think about it. If they could change would they stick with this? With this rejection, inequality, bullying.... all that leads up to suicide in so many heartbreaking cases?

This debate seems rather like Evolution Vs Creationism to me.... the "choice" to be gay could be correct in some cases but which side is the scientific proof on?

My point is.... If this person had actually wanted to debate this issue, the chances of there being a problem arising from it would of been a lot less likely.... But in debate, you back up your claims with FACTS. And In debate.... you don't result to insults.

So, naturally, as it would be to anyone I believe...it was hurtful. Especially coming from the person it did.

Well it didn't stop there. It happened again Saturday night and resulted to tears I confronted another of my housemates about the issue. Telling her I felt really uncomfortable by what was going on, and what would be best to resolve this situation. It was suggested that I tell the individual making the hurtful claims that it was hurtful... So I did.

Well nothing much as seemed to change as they claimed I have been "Offensive" to their beliefs... Alright so one time I left my God magnet out on the fridge, but I apologized for that then and again now... They are no longer posting on my facebook, but mostly because I have temporarily restricted that not wanting to deal with anymore of that hurt.

But still we live in the same house, and still there is tension...especially as they refuse to acknowledge my presence when in the same room where before they had. Tension is mounting and I am, understandably, growing more uncomfortable in the household.

If this was anyone else, I probably wouldn't care. I'd probably tell them that I didn't care what they thought and be on with my business...but this is someone who is important to a a very important person in MY life.

Someone I call my best friend, and someone I am now terrified that I'm going to lose.

Think A Little

National Coming Out Day is October 11th. Now, no, I’m not gay so I’m not writing this to come out of the closet. But there has been so much going on this past week, with Boyd K Packers speech, and other things in the community here, and others have made their stance on Gays known…whether their homosexual or heterosexual. I’ve been thinking about it, so I figured, in honor of National Coming Out Day I would do something along the same lines.

But I’m not writing this for me.

I don’t need to write this for me. I know where I stand on the issue, I know I support the LGBTQ community, and know I will stand with them in the fight for equal rights.

I’m writing this for you.

Not the people who are significantly aware of where I stand and accept it…but you, the people who I have known at some point in my life who I either hardly speak to or do not speak to at all. We may have known each other in High School, or middle school, or anywhere else. We may have worked together. We may have been close, or just passed each other in the halls with a smile.

I still care for you, and doing this I simply want you to realize where I stand and why. I’m not naïve enough to think that this in itself will revise your whole beliefs, but it is my wish it will at least make you think about it.
A good majority of you, if not all, are members of the LDS Church. Let me be clear, I am not judging your choice of religion or church, and I’m not asking you to change it. I’m just asking you to think.

Since the speech at the General Conference (and yes, I have heard it. And yes, he was talking about homosexuality. And what about the other twelve apostles who weren’t happy about his talk?) there’s been a lot of comments. From those planning the protests against hateful words, to those who claim “Don’t ask me to go against what my church says.” That’s where I see the problem. You can have your belief in your church, and what they teach, you can know right from wrong. What just made this worse is the fact that it came so soon after a string of national news from homosexual teens, anywhere from thirteen to eighteen, that have killed themselves. Everyone should be able to agree, that suicide isn’t right. No one should be driven to it.

Did you know gay teens are four times more likely to commit suicide? Did you know UTAH has one of the highest suicide rates in the country? Do you ever wonder WHY this is?

Now not being gay myself I can’t tell you my own story but I’ve heard plenty mentioned time and time again. Rhetoric like in Packers speech could easily make someone feel like ending it all. If our gay teens are taught that Homosexuality is a “Choice” (it isn’t) they’ll struggle to change it. To get that approval from their church or family, every teen wants nothing more than approval straight or gay. But there are so many, when they realize that they can’t “change” as the church taught them…see that suicide is the only way out.
Anyone care to tell me how this is right?

One of the biggest arguments I here in condemning homosexuality is quoting Leviticus. Anyone who’s even read Leviticus should realize how absurd this argument is. Leviticus, that says you can’t wear mixed fabrics. Leviticus, that says you can sell your daughter into slavery, that says you can’t eat shellfish, just to name a few examples. Really, if you asked me, Leviticus at a whole at this point should just be thrown out the window and forgotten. The Leviticus argument as NO GROUND.

Another common argument is that allowing gay marriage will bring about death and Armageddon, etcetera….just about any bad thing you can think of. It was legal in California for awhile, is still legal in a a few states, and laws that make it illegal are being struck down all across the country….haven’t seen Armageddon yet and I really don’t think its coming.

Funny that I’ve passed a page writing this and haven’t said the most important thing that I’ve meant to say. I’m not gay, I’m straight. But I’m not homophobic, just the opposite. I’m an ally, and I will fight with them until they gain the equal rights marriage offers. I want you to know that if you were in this position, if your rights were under attack… I’d be fighting for you to have those too.

Its about what’s RIGHT VS WRONG…not about “What the church says”. Just think about that.
Love

-Ingela

(Note: Many don’t know the amount of influence the Mormon church had on Prop 8 in California….the MORMONS got it passed, and they had no place to. Please educate yourself on this, you can start by watching 8: The Mormon Proposition.)

Voting Vs Protesting?

Some people I know are planning a protest this Saturday against what a Mormon Leader said, and I fully support this...though it isn't so much a protest as a candlelight vigil. It seems like a great idea to me, and I will be there as always to be involved and to show my support. Of course, there have been those opposing to this saying we shouldn't be "targeting" the church when in fact that is not whats happening.

The comments I've noticed, that I wanted to address is that we should be voting. Now, I agree. We should be voting. We should be getting everyone wanting to vote, because yes there has been a lack of interest (especially mid term elections which don't generally bring out a lot of voters turn out). Especially with the Tea Party around this worries me. Did you know only 3% of voters turned on in Connecticut where Mini Palin (Christine O'Donnel) won the Republican nominee. That's just frightening. Do you realize, if the smart, intelligent people had gotten off their couches and gone out of vote...the more people that went out and vote the less chance she may have had of winning. There are numerous ways to get involved, and voting is a crucial step.

Get out and vote!

However, do I think voting should be all we do? No.

Voting is crucial, and should always be done and I seriously encourage everyone to do so. But I don't think other methods of fighting the fight so to speak, should be thrown out the window. The protests, or the candlelight vigils, the rallys...they have their place as well. They show others we're not just going to sit around waiting to vote, we're not going to sit twiddling on our thumbs, we're going to get noticed...and in turn getting noticed could help people realize they're not alone, and help get those people out to vote as well.

I think both should be done. I'm supporting the rallies and the vigils but also I want everyone to GET OUT AND VOTE!

College Life Thus Far

So, time for a much needed update. I figure while I'm averaging about one post a month that isn't a lot of updates....but its more than some people I've seen, and its certainly enough to keep wondering people updated...if there are any.

Anyway.

Its been a little over a month since I started college. There's been a few ups and downs, of course you can't escape those, but overall its so far been a great experience. I've met some amazing individuals (before and after school started) already, and am happy to consider them friends. Maybe we're not really close right now, but I hope in a lot of the cases I'll have a chance to grow closer as I get to know them and they get to know me more. Still if anything else they are people who share my basic beliefs and it doesn't feel so much like an outsider (being liberal and agnostic in Utah) anymore.

This isn't to say, however, that there hasn't been some drama. Its all passed now, but there were a couple weeks when I was having difficulties understanding why someone would get mad at me for not hanging out EVERY night because I had to sleep to get up early for work or school. Or I had to do my homework, or actually study. I was trying to wrap my head around this idea with difficulty. So wait...its a bad thing for me to be responsible? Lucky for me, I knew better. I knew I was making the right choices, probably from the experience of all the mistakes I've made up till now that I've thankfully learned from. So I made it clear, that I didn't appreciate being harassed about it. Okay, that seemed to work. For a day. Then it started again and my best friend stepped in. Things blew up, to put it simply and within a day I had cut myself off from him...and mutual friends.

Thankfully, a week or so later those mutual friends realized the 'true colors' of the other individual. And while I haven't exactly hung out with them again since (I would like too), I feel comfortable talking to them and seeing them again.

I have joined clubs such as the Gay Straight Alliance and the Dixie State College Democrats. As well I volunteer where I can, when my schedule allows it.

As far as my classes go. Thus far, I'm still excited and happy that I'm in school. I especially enjoy my History and Humanities class(es, I got an A on my first test which really does nothing but good things for your thoughts about college and keep going. English, the class itself is enjoyable and my Professor is awesome, I just don 't like the actual writing of essays too much. But it gets done nonetheless. My The Freshman Experience (FYE --- whenever my prof. hands out the roll call sheet we write our names on it says FYE and I always think of the STORE)...seems pretty pointless thus far. Oh well, at least its an easy A.

Now, dating life...has been sort of kind of non existent. Until today, I guess. I went on a date with a guy today, he's pretty cool. Of course it was a little awkward and I didn't have much to compare it too all my relationships having started out online (Which there is nothing wrong with as long as you're careful)...so I'm hoping that he'll want to go on a second date. It seemed to go well at least.

I want to go to Homecoming :( But I don't have a dress.

A Passion

Two blogs in one day!? How did this happen!? A bunch of random thoughts that I need to figure out how to organize is how it happened....And to think this was all spurned on by one little text from a friend who said he hated people. Oh its amusing how things go somedays. It makes me ask a question, one I know the answer to but I will ask it here nonetheless for the readers sake.

What is my passion?

I have a lot of interests, I lot of things I enjoy doing. Reading, writing, art whether its with a pencil and paper or through a digital element like photoshop, comics....I could go on on that for probably a few more sentences. They ebb and they flow,a t any given point in time I'll be more 'invested' if one of interests than others. But all in all,they get their equal footing in the spectrum that is my interests as a whole.

But those aren't my passions, not the most important ones, at least.

I'm relatively quiet and reserved at first, thats how I seem when people first get to know me...and I am, I admit that. I probably get that from my mom...."The seething cauldron of emotion under that placid exterior" (Love you Mor!) Even so looking back on the years of my life I can see,myself, that I"ve come a long way. I may not be fully out of my 'shy girl' bubble, but I've certainly gotten somewhere. I'm a lot more comfortable around people, I can strike up a conversation with a stranger easily so long as theres something to strike up a conversation about.... But get to know me. Depending on the individual it may take me awhile to get so comfortable to the point I'm inhibited around you...but I have passions that I'm just coming to realize.

I have a passion for people.

And there are a lot of ways people can act on a passion like that I suppose. I'm not going into psychology, how the mind works,helping kids and people have disorders (kudos to those who do!) . Psychology is a bit too complicated for me. I'll show it and act on it in other ways. I'll fight for equal rights, for everybody. Be you black, white, latino, straight, gay, bi, transgender, christian, atheist, muslim....anything. A friend of mine once said there was only one way to fight that mattered (Going to war), I disagree but he has the right to say that, and I have the right to disagree. I certainly admire those brave enough to go off and fight, I imagine it takes a certain kind of courage, putting your life on the line like that. Especially when you don't know that the war is even right (Iraq, anyone?).

I certainly don't think it is the only "right" way to fight though. People have to stay home in America, and fight...for the civil rights and liberties of those who need it. Those who deserve equal rights, throughout the centuries it has been many different minorities who deserved it. But as one minority achieves it, another is around the corner needing it. As sad as it is, its probably something we won't be free of till long down the line, if at all. Americans do great things, but on the other side of the coin we've done some pretty horrible things (Slavery?) and for the supposed "Greatest nation" We have a long ways to go when it comes to the rights of our citizens.

So yes, going to join the army, marines, the navy...thats one, admirable, way to fight. But there are others that are just as needed. And dare I say, just as dangerous. There have been numerous people in our history who have ended up dead because they fought for equal rights and / or peace....John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr, John Lennon....just to name a few.

...

I've heard it said time and time again "If you get the opportunity you ought to...," "If you get the opportunity you should...," And while yes, some oppurtunites will present themselves with pure chance and dumb luck (Like 60 settlers left alive in Jamestown, managing to get everything going again...Yeah, too much history ^ ^ ), more often than not you got to create the oppurtunites for yourself. Work up the ladder, make a difference...

And its late...and I don't even know how to wrap this up again. So I sincerely hope you all understood this, at least a little. And with that I say...Adieu!

School, Goals, and a bunch of randomness

Been awhile since I updated....so I guess while I sit here at the computer lab I'll do a bit of 'free write' to get my brain working so I can try and write my essay... What does one right about spanking...really? I'm trying to figure out how to start and I'm just...Stuck. Anyway, moving on.

Yesterday was an interesting enough day, I went to work on 3 hours of sleep and most of the day was pure hell trying to stay awake. Around the last two hours of my shift I began to wake up though....you know that feeling when you're not tired because you're so tired? Yeah, that was kind of the rest of the day. Which was just fine, I guess, considering I had reading to do before I could sleep. And of course, I didn't actually fall asleep till like 10:30 being oh so good at managing to distract myself even after all my reading was complete.

But I finally slept. Yay.

Maybe its that its been so long since I've been in school that its taking me longer to get in the "Ugh, school." mindset. I'm certainly not ecstatic at the prospect of homework, but all in all I enjoy going to class and am enjoying the experience thus far. I"m here, finally, so might as well make the best of it huh?

So I've been thinking a little more about my my goals, 'long term' in the term of just a few 4-5 years, maybe a little longer depending, down the road. I'm going for a Bachelors in History, maybe with a minor in Political Science, and once thats done (though I'll start the application process in a couple years or so) I plan on joining the Peace Corps. Looking into it, its really something I want to do with my life. I can't see a bad side to it at all. You're getting the chance to see another part of the world, and live there for two years will really give you the chance to understand the culture and more, help people, and they even help with your school loans.

I'm determined. I'm going to make this happen.

Single and Happy

Single and Happy.

Those are two words, that in our society, we don't think belong together. everyone expects everyone to be with someone. Seeing people in relationships, breaking up just to hop right back into another one, is such a part of our society that when you tell someone "I'm single" they say "Oh I'm sorry." Or they give you a look of pity. Or something on those lines. Just confuse them more and say "I'm single, and I'm happy."

Its a rare person who can say that though. And everyone who does, deserves to be recgonized a strong individual for being able to. That doesn't mean, though, that it isn't a struggle some days. I'm single, I have great friends, a job, I'm going to schoo. I'm figuring myself out, what I want in my life,and I'm happy. But that doesn't mean that it isn't nice to have someone around in that sense, that you don't want someone to hit on you or ask you out just so you know you're desirable by the opposite (or same, for that matter) sex.

And when it doesn't happen, your mind can't help but anaylyze why. Is it because I'm a strong, independent, intelligent woman? Is it because I don't have the perfect body with the perfect curves (or lack thereof, to those who love the sticks) and big boobs? Why is it that some of us seem to be the type that everyone wants as a friend but not as a potentioal partner?

Just something you can't help but think about it. I wonder about it more than I should, probably. But I am single,and I am happy.

Why, When, How

Well....so much for happy.

I got back in contact with a friend I hadn't spoken to in three years, and its really really great being able to talk to them. Smile and laugh with them again. Hear their thoughts. Share mine. It made me happy. But even when your happy I guess everyone has their bad days....today suddenly spiraled down just from one little comment...one little commenet. Its not mine to have, it never will be. So why do I get this way? Why am I insecure? Why do I feel like every time I get happy something comes along to tear it down.

I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way. But I really hate it.

I hate pretending to be strong when I can't. I hate locking it all away cuz you're worried of what they'll think. That you'll seem jealous, and insecure when you have no right to be at all. Just for one moment you feel special, then that moments gone as if it was never there at all.

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me,w hy doesn't anyone notice. Am I broken? Damaged goods? All I want....is for someone to think of me and special. Look at me, and smile and say "Yeah, thats her."

I love you, whoever you are. Hurry up and get here.

To people in my life

Well, I'm sitting here at my parents house watching Beauty and the Beast (HHS production) and eating lunch with my sister. I haven't written anything in awhile and I've been thinking a lot, so I figured now is as good time as any. So sitting here with my green chili burritors, here goes.

I guess, I kind of want to address a few people in here.

Scott. My ex.

It's been about a month, maybe a little more, since the break up and things are finally starting to look up again. I haven't had the urge to cry in days, heh. After the break up there were comments made, from both of us, made not directed precisely at each other but obviously about each other. Yeah they hurt, and I probably hurt him more with my comments too. But now it seem's we're finally able to be friendly with each other again, or at least we're trying. Those comments were made on both our sides not out of actual hate I don't think. But it was a hurtful, emotional experience and people lash out when they're hurting.

So, Scott, again I have to say I'm sorry. Not to bring things back up but i feel this is needed; I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to say thank you. For everything in the past couple of years, and I hope we can continue to make good memories together as friends.

Solveig. My "baby" sister.

You're in sweden right now, much to your family's not so hidden jealousy ;) , but I thought you would like to know that we have a "pet" hummingbird up here in Apple valley. I don't know if Mor or Far have told you about it yet, but here's the basics. There has been a hummingbird hanging around the back door for awhile and Mor finally found the nest so symmetrically perfect in the middle of the sea shell wind chimes. We found yesterday, it's got two eggs. :) Can you say "AWWWW BABY HUMMINGBIRDS!"

You're not so much a baby anymore....even though you are the youngest, it does seem a little backwards I suppose that I admire you and you are a person I and many others can look up to. While I crashed and burned at my first attempt at College and I'm only going back this fall you already have an associates and have experienced so many things.

Congratulations! You're amazing!

I miss you and I AM stealing you away for a day when you get back home. :) We'll have a day just you and me.

Lisa.

Being back home must be great, I can't even imagine I've never been out of the United States, haha. I hope to some day though, whether its Sweden or some other country. I slept in your old room last night and thought of you. We miss you. :)

...I guess thats all for now. I'll call this "Part 1" since I'm sure more will come later :)

Everything

Well...I haven't written in awhile, and I feel like there's so many things weighing down on my mind that some days I'm about to explode. So this is probably going to get pretty long, so that being said, I apologize....and Into the depths we go.

A couple days ago, for a few days I was really irritated. At everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I wanted to punch every customer in the face at work. Even the 'nice' ones, and especially the ones who go "uh...um,, I want...no...um." Seriously., If you're going to come to the drive thru know what you want. I don't have time to listen to "Ums" and "Ahs". I guess I've been procrastinating writing in this blog, ever since the break up. For a lot of reasons I guess. I worry who will read it, what assumptions will be made, how I'll be judged. But even then, I wonder if anyone will read it at all. Is there no one left here who gives a damn? But they do say writing is therapy, so I guess its all I can do.

Why was I so irritated? Well, there were the customers of course... as I already mentioned ^ above. There's also our new store manager. Robert. OCD Robert. Annoying, stressful Robert. Robert who yells at you to "Work" even if you are working and talking to a co worker at the same time. He used to be a shift manager at the other McDonalds my best friend works at. Now he manages our store, and needless to say he's made work a hell of a lot more stressful. My muscle spasms have started up again, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with him.

Thanks a lot.

Another reason, would probably be my ex. I'm trying to be polite, and civil though it may feel forced at times. But at least I'm not the one throwing out insults about his preceived reasons why the break up happened...in conversations where it doesn't even belong. As a friend said, apparently he's forgotten how to be an adult? I don't know, but it was rude, rash and unneccesary. And his behavior to me has just been ridcolous. At least TRY to act like an adult....

Of course, all these are valid reasons to be stressed out and irritated....but then GASP that time of month for all females started and well...PMS....that explained a few things.

Well....neext. I was suppoused to be going on a trip to LA tomorrow, for a couple days, after the fam dropped Lisa and Solveig off at the airport so they could go to Sweden (JEALOUS! Also, I am going to miss her INSANELY). Get a voicemail on my phone today that lets me know my dad injured his back and the trip his cancelled. *Sad face* Of course, I'm worried about my dad. But I'm dissapointed as well. It feels very rare that I ever get to go anywhere, behold an actual vacation even if it is two days. And I was so excited to see the beach and the ocean.... *Sadder face*

I had a dream last night.....have you ever had those dreams not long after a break up where yoru with said person and your just so happy? Are you ever scared or disgusted of those dreams? Well....I had one last night....but I wasn't sad or disgusted. I'm not in that phase yet, doubt I ever will be, as Scott is still someone I care for even if he is being an asshole. And I know, without a doubt, that I did love him. Deeply. So when I woke up,and when it hit me that it was a dream...

I wanted to cry.

In my dream, I felt so complete, and so happy....but I know that can't be. At least, not now. Still, when you give up something that was that great you do feel like a horrible bitch. I've been trying to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, but some days....I still feel like there's a part of me missing.

I guess This is it

I'm really not in the mood to, but I guess....I'll post what I can on the happenings of the past few days, week or so. But it all came out to this basically.

I'm single. Scott and I broke up. Yeah, it was my call. You can say I'm a bitch, I'm evil, I don't deserve love or whatever you want to spout. And right now, I feel exactly that way. I hurt myself and someone close to me, whom I didn't want to give up. But after days of thinking about things, talking to people, I came to the realization that our relationship wasn't going to work right now. He told me it looked as if I was trying to change him....I guess thats partially true, if you mean I wanted him back to who he was before all this drama.

I guess I don't expect him to understand all my reasons and feelings on this right now, I just hope he knows that I do care for him and I'm still here whenever he wants to be friends again. Because I think I'd cry even harder if we didn't at least try to keep that somewhere down the line. But my mom and my best friend helped me realize that I need to consider myself first. Is he making me happy right now? Why not? Etcetera, etcetera.

It sounds selfish, but I guess that's just kind of how things go. I hope my life can stay relatively the same though. I think I've dried up all my tears....for now. Granted I'll probably look back and start crying again later.

Just a bit of randomness before bed

Haven't posted in a bit so just posting a bit of randomness before I fall into bed for day 7 of work in a row, then I get my wisdom teeth out on Friday....Whee....It's at the Free Doctor's Clinic so I really hope they have decent stuff to at least numb my mouth if they won't knock me out. Cuz if not, I am running out of there with my tail between my legs screaming "NO! NO! NO!"

I went to one of Sister's graduation ceremonies out of the three she has this month. This was for the Night of Excellence. So proud of her, wish I had worked that hard when I was her age but at least I feel like I'm finally getting my life back on track. It's a good feeling, and I know I'm not going to give up this time for as my dad said "I've been around the block" a few times. though on a note of her graduation, you think after Three years they'd know how to pronounce her name. Its not that hard...seriously, Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Solveig. Maybe that's just cuz I've been saying it all my life *shrugs* Either way, it's been three years....You would think.

In other news, First Ever St. George Coffee Party This May 21st! WOOO! For more info visit my Facebook.

May is such a hectic month. Anyway, thats all for now. Just random tidbits. Good night world!

I Saw This On Facebook 2.0

Another disgusting group I saw on Facebook today.

This is sick. This is wrong. This is NOT Patriotic, in no way is the Government supporting this. This is racist, and a lot of these "terrorists" are probably US Citizens. Just because someone is Muslim, has different views than your own and are strange or 'evil' in your eyes does not make them terrorists.

There have always been hate crimes, unfortunately, but they say a rapid growth after the events of 9/11. Don't believe me?

Source #1

Source #2
Source #3
Source #4

1,500 Hate crimes to Muslims, Islamics, etc after 9/11! Fifteen hundred! How do we think this is right? Is America really so ignorant to go out and kill innoceent people just because a small group of people made Terrorist attacks on our country? It was a tragedy, but that does not mean we pinpoint everyone for the fault of it.

I for one,will not be taking part of this and hope no one does. If you want to stop terrorism, there are better, more productive ways than walking naked around your neighborhood and hoping someone will KILL THEMSELVES.

I Saw this on Facebook today

So I was on Facebook today, usually what day am I not, and saw this group:

"" DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN."

Honestly, I thought it was sick, over the top, and wrong. I've seen people join groups such as "Impeach Obama" (Uh guys, he's done nothing worth impeachment. Look it up first) "10,000 against Obama's Health care Reform" Etcetera. And while I may not agree with those views and some of the extremes and extremists I've seen I can still respect that.

But this, this while not quite as bad as the guy on Twitter who was calling for someone to shoot our president of the united states, is just ridiculous. now, I myself have never read the bible. But that doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it, and I know there is a part of it that says "Love Thy Enemy." I'm pretty sure that means don't kill them, and don't wish death on them so that someone might take it seriously and goes and kills them. Thats called murder. Assassination. Its wrong, and it will land you in jail.

/end rant

Little By Little

Well Listening to the musical soundtrack, Little By Little, can really make you think. So that's where this blog gets started....

Lyrics:

Choices were easy when crayons were green
and red, blue and yellow and nothing between
turquoise and fusia and aquamarine
make it much harder to choose
Which of lifes colors to use



Isn't that the perfect analogy? When life was easy? When there were only a few colors in the crayon box....the basics, not all these different shades like red violet, turquoise, midnight blue....Need I go on?

I really do miss the days when choices were that easy. Its amazing now you look back at yourself. When you think you knew everything and your parents were just the evil people trying to stop you and they didn't know anything about you. I am amazed at myself looking back at that. I realize now how easy I had it, I wish I had worked harder. Got more A's and B's in High school rather than C's and D's, I think about it and I realize I'd probably be in a much better place because of it all right now. Because now, every day it feels like I'm swimming against the current and I wonder if it would feel any different how I had worked harder when I was younger.

This isn't to say I regret everything though, like meeting Scott, moving in with him, falling in love with him. I've just had so many uncertainty's lately it seems.

Do I spend time with Scott, who always seems so depressed though I know that isn't entirely his fault, sometimes I do wonder if it will ever change. I hate myself for that. Do I spend my time with my family who I've come to cherish so much more and bond with as I've grown older. I'm so afraid of having so little time left with them as my dad isn't getting an younger and my youngest sister is heading towarsd Sweden and College in a few short months. While I, 22, am barely beginning myself.

Again I ask myself....why didn't I work as hard as her? Of course, you never really see this stuff until you're older and more experienced and look back on it. Why didn't I listen to my parents? Well its too late now I guess, its all happened, I can only change my future....its just a little depressing to look back at that.

Am I abusing my relationship with Scott for wanting to spend so much time with my family in this hard times when he needsme most?

Then I'm afraid of giving things I love up, like my X men writing and other hobbies. While I'm growing up and becoming more serious, I still want these things to be part of my life and I wonder if I'll have time for everything ever again.

Texas TextBook Wars

The Texas textbook wars, as their being called as they catch the attention of everyone across the country, first caught my attention a few weeks ago. I was angered, and furious at it but it had slipped my mind for a time as the Healthcare Reform which has finally passed I grew passionate about and argued about. Now, though, the TTW has caught my attention again. Much to my dismay. Not because I don't want to know whats going on in the world, conservative or liberal(Like me). I'm dismayed because this is unbelievably and ridiculous.

My first question is...WHY? Why are these people, Dentists and real estate agents, deciding what goes into History, Social Studies and Economic Textbooks not only in Texas....but eventually in 90% of the United States? Do Dentists and real estate agents seem liked the type people who should be deciding what goes in HISTORY Books? None of them have any kind of degree in history, not a Masters or Bachelor, so why are the one's deciding?

They are seriously RE-WRITING History. Forcing their views on young and impressionable children from grade K to grade 12. This demeens an individuals ability to think for themselves and form their own opinions. Because, truly if your taught one thing the majority of your life its hard to turn around and think otherwise.

If this goes through in May, I feel saddened for the children that these views will be forced upon. As these cirrculiums only go through grade K-12 I imagine once they get to College they will be very ignorant and will be demanding that people such as Thomas Jefferson and Harriet Tubman don't exist. That there is no seperation of church and state. That there was no slavery, and that America is WHITE.

If the TTW have done one one good thing for me, they've finally allowed me to firmly decide what I'm going to Major in College this fall.

History.

One other thing Ik now, is that if this goes through and May....when I have children their either getting home schooled, or sent to a private school if I can afford it. So that they can become unique individuals who have the knowledge and the power to form their own opinions.

This Is What Change Looks Like

This is what Change Looks Like.

President Barack Obama said that last night, when the Bill for the much needed Health Care reform was narrowly passed in the House. I know I felt a wave of relief when it was passed, that we had actually done it. That , finally, someone was willing to do the right thing for the greatest good for the greatest number. Its not perfect, its not all it could be. But it IS a step in the right direction.

Today, I realize though I’m still relieved and happy it passed, the barricades only narrowly holded. We still did it, but there’s still a long way to go. I know there’s so many uninformed people in this country who will try to vote the Democrats out of the house of Senate, and if successful they’ll loose the small majority they have. If this happens, it’ll be much harder for Obama and the Democrats to get anything that the country, that the PEOPLE, need done. In turn, it will make things easier for the Republicans to Repel the bill. Or at least try.

I want to ask….WHY?

Its not hurting you. But that’s the thing isn’t it? You’re not the middle class, the working class. You’re not poverty. You don’t care how many people in this nation suffer, as long as your not effected. You’re greedy, you’re selfish. You’re not concerned about the greatest good, for the greatest number.

I pray and hope that when 2014 comes around the Democrats can still do what needs to be done, I hope we still have Obama or another Democratic president who is willing to help the people and not just themselves.

No one ever said change was easy. After Obama was elected, no one ever said it would happen in a day. A week, even a year. But sure as he promised, he kept his word unlike so many, change is HAPPENING. Please, I beg of you, lets keep it that way.

I am sorely disappointed that my State representive, John Matheson, voted against the Health Care reform and now I know I will never be voting for him again. I can’t do much from where I am, but I can do something. An d I will be doing all that a twenty two year old, working class, college student Can Do.

Yes We Can.

The Greatest Good For the Greatest Number

So I come home from work today and what do I see?

So much fucking stupidity, pardon my language, and nonsense spouted by people who know NOTHING about the Healthcare reform. Crying 'wolf' that its socialist and will ruin our country or turn it into Soviet Russia. Seriously people? Where did your brains go? your Common sense? Your compassion for others? YOU may not need it, but what about the majority of the middle and working class....what about those in Poverty? We should all just them die and have no way of getting the care they need should they fall ill or have an accident?

I don't think so.

I'd quote one of my best friends, from canada, now. We were talking about Amercia's fucked up version of Healthcare when I was worried about my health not long ago. And she said, I quote. "I know our system here has flaws, but money should be the last thing on your mind when it comes to your health." Think about that. Would you rather let thousands, maybe millions, of people die than suppousedly "Give up" your right to this, and your right to that...NOTHING IS BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU! THIS IS JUST GIVING OPTIONS TO THOSE WHO DON'T ALREADY HAVE IT.

Tell me? Whats so wrong with that?

A new study in Harvard showed that annually 45,000 people DIE because of lack of insurance. 45,000! 45,000 people could have been saved, or at least given more of a fighting chance, had we had a Public Option before. Think about it, 45,000 loved ones died and being taken away from their families in the cruelty of death because of how far our nation is behind in Healthcare. You probably don't care, because you don't know them. You never half to see any of them. It will never happen to you, right?

Wrong.

There is always a chance something will happen to you. It COULD be you, there is ALWAYS that chance.

So if this bill is going to make us 'socalist' how about Canada? Are they a socialist nation? Or were we socialist before when Lyndon B Johnson (LBJ) passed Medicade and medicair during his term?

Did you KNOW that America had t he highest healthcare costs in the WORLD?

Don't you think its about time that this SHOULD CHANGE?

So people like me, and ones I love, should just say "Hey thats my lot, I'm going to die." If anything ever happens to us? Or we should go so far in debt that theres no chance of ever payint it off?

Generally, I respect other peoples opinions as long as they can respect mine. But this is just ridicolous. By denying this bill....aren't you basically giving a death sentence to those 45,000+ people every year?


Think about that.

Going Through The Motions?

Listening too: Glee/Mamma Mia
Mood: Just....Am

Latley i've been feeling like I'm just running, or even standing in place. The past few weeks have been so much of the same thing, day in day out. I get up in the morning, I go to work, I come home and get online. Every day, almost. Work and here is where I spend most of my time and it just gets so...mundane. Even going out to walmart with Cassie today was nice because it was a little different. But I ache for a change, something new, something different.

Don't get me wrong, my life now isn't BAD. I'd just like...more.

I guess the thing that spurred this on most was the knowledge that another of my best and childhood friends is almost through college and getting married this Summer. Talking to my mom last night, I know and I share the sentiments, that its better to wait. I don't want to get married just to end up in a divorce two years down the line....I want life to be more stable and more concrete, I want the man to be the right one. But that doesn't make the feeling go away as I watch so many friends and classmates my age or younger, married, through college. Some even have kids.

It really makes me feel as if their lives are happening and mine isn't. I'm just a stander by. Watching. Waiting for my turn.

In other news, the doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me. Muscle spasms, and lots of them, from tension and stress. I guess its my own fault really, I stress and worry about EVERYTHING. Literally. Mor says I need to learn some breathing techniques to manage it better, I really should. Though I also learned yesterday that its most likely hereditary - as my dad takes the some thing for it I do.

Damn genes!

Anyway...I guess thats all for now.

Does anyone read this anyways?

Dear John

Listening to: Alison Iraheta

So I finished reading Dear John today. It's a great book, I suggest it to anyone who loves love stories and doesn't mind not so happy endings. I like it because its realistic in a heart breaking, bitter sweet,sad sort of way. Not every story has a happy ending and I imagine so many men in their army and their loved ones go through this every day, week, year. If you dont want spoilers for the movie or book,do n't continue reading.

I'm not going to go too in depth as to not spoil it too much, but hopefully I'll catch a few people's intrest. The story, as those who have seen the previews can probablly tell, is the story of John and Savannah. John meets Savanaah on one of his leaves from the army where he's st ationed in Germany. They spend two weeks togther, fall in love, and she vows to wait for him and marry him at his return. She helps him understand his father better. He goes back to the army and they spend a year about when he comes back on leave again and after that he's out by December.

But then September 11th happens and he reupps (enlisting for another two years). Savanaah loves him but isn't able to keep going without being with him and they begin to drift apart. She breaks up with him while hes in Iraq. Later it is revealed that the man she fell in love with was her best friend, a sweet and caring guy named Tim.

John has been in the army for six years when his father passes away and he goes back for his funeral, and hunts down Savanaah for his own reasons. It is obvious when they see each other again that they still love each other though Svanaah reveals she is now married to Tim. They are both sad because they know what they had was real and they let it go,John wishes she would have waited for him. Instead, because he loved and lost her, he is becoming a lifer in the army. They are both tempted to go back to the way things were and forget Tim,w ho is now ill in the hospital. In the end, of course they don't. John goes back to Germany and tells Savannah its better this way, she's marred to Tim and in any marriage theres only room for two.

The book ends with him watching her on one of his leaves. He sits on her ranch unnoticed and watches the moon rise.

Heres an exceprt from the last page

"She pauses and then crosses her arms, glancing over her shoulder to make sure no one has followed her. Finally, she seems to relax.And then I feel as if Im witnassing a miracle, as ever so slowly she raises her face towards the moon. I watch her drink in the sight, sensing the flood of memories she's unleased and wanting nothing more than to let her know Im here. But instead I stay where I am and stare up at the moon as well. And for the briefest instant, it almost feels like we're together again".

Its heartbreaking, but an amazing story. I don't think that passage has as much meaning or impact though when you haven't read the book. So like I said,earlier. I suggest it.

I plan to see the movie even if I know they've changed the ending (of course they did this is hollywood, they can't fathom no happily ever afters).

Bad Day

Well.....today's been a bad day, to put it mildly. My side and back have been bothering more today and yesterday and If elt nauseous and light headed and like I was going to puke for the first part of work until break. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my pains as I've hated before though part of me wonders if I should be buying another pregnancy test. Just to be on the safe side. I felt better after eating something and getting a little air.

Coming home I logged onto the computer as per usual and was immedieatlyh pissed off at an online associate who kept saying "morning sickness" and "MRI's" when I didn't even want her opinion. Things were pretty okay after that I guess.

Things got to the worst point when Scott told me his mom was at a meeting to try and keep her second job. I knew what this meant, that things would become even tighter and harder for their family and the chances of Scott moving and being a ble to see him again would drop drastically. This isn't something I want, and Im scared shitless of it. I've got my fingers crossed for everything to work out for the best (damn super intendents) but California's a sucky ass state to be in right now and I'm so worried its almost making me sick.

Though I know he does part of me wonders if Scott knows how important all of this is to me. I can't even imagine how mundane and boring school must be for him right now no matter how many times he tells me.....but its all he has to get money ri ght now and while that's racking up more debt I know the money iso ur only option of getting the move to go forward and seeing each other again. I'm just so sick and tired of waiting and some days feel like none of this is ever going to go anywhere. Though withi as much as it hurts I know that means its worth it.

Sigh.

At least one good thing came out of this I suppouse. For the first time, in well, ever....I called my mom and talked about all the above while crying into the phone. I'm so glad my relationship with her and my dad is better. It was comforting to be able to confide in her like that. Pondering jsut curling up with a book and falling asleep now. I just feel miserable.

Updating stuff

Okay......so where to start.

Got up this morning, fuckin starvin but couldn't eat anything cuz I had to go over to the Hospital to get an Ultrasound. Try to figure out whats causing me so much pain. It went well I guess. They looked at everything not just my gall bladder. I'll get the results on Monday, and we'll go from there I guess. See whats causing me problems, if anything in there, and see if I need anything removed. If I do I think I might freak. I've never needed surgery before, the closest thing I've had to surgery is getting my wisdom teeth on one side of my mouth out....still need the others out. Grr. Anyways, if theres anything that neeeds to get removed I hope its the gall bladder. Then, at least I'd have two people I know who's have them removed. hearing about it from those experienced is a little comforting.

I have a bad habit of worrying too much, but my best friend helped me put things in prespective by saying 'if it was bad, you'd be in the emergency room'.

So true.

On the note of worrying........don't you just looove parents some times? My mom asked if I was pregnant and that might be causing the pain, of course I'm not...I've had my period, we're safe....but her putting the idea in my head was enough so I walked down to Walgreens (In the pouring rain!) and bought a pregnancy test. Of course, it was negative. A waste of money. but it put me at ease I guess.

Um....Jaycee, is one of my house-mates 8 month old baby. SHE IS SO CUTE! She's crawling now, and feeding herself...to an extent! Lol. But she is so adorable. I guess thats all for now, just felt the need to update.

4 days!

New Blog...and Medical Problems

Well, I was looking for a new site to start this on as my old one was just so cluttered and old and I Don't really pay attention to it anymore....Anyways, I'm here.Me. Ingela. Yadda yadda.

I guess I'll just start with todays happening. I went over to the Free Doctors Clinic, was told to come back at 1 so I wandered around for awhile before heading back to the house for an hour. When 1 came around I saw the doctor, and they decided it might be my gall bladder....So I get to go o the hospital for an ultra sound on Saturday.

It's kind of scary.

I know, gall bladder removal if needed is totally survivable but still......how would you react? I've never had surgery before, so if I need it......Scary. I'm glad m y relationship with my parents is getting better though. I'm not sure I would've told them my fears and what was going on a few years ago. But yeah I guess we won't know whats happening exactly till Saturday.

On A brighter note,Scotti's visiting next week for Valentines Day! I didn't get to see him or spend it with him last year so this is a big deal. Im uber excited. We're gonna go on a double date with Josh and Cassie and see Valentines Day, as well as other fun things such as him officially meeting my parents.........YAY! :P